AWOL
by angw
Summary: It's been a year since he went missing and Atlantis has never quite recovered from the loss. Sequel to Parcae.
1. Chapter 1 and 2

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. I did play with them a little but I promise I will give them back in the same condition I found them... 

Summary: It's been a year since he went missing and Atlantis has never quite recovered from the loss. So what are they going to do when they find him, but he doesn't recognise them or even want to go back to Atlantis? Sequel to _Parcae. _You may want to read that first._  
_

A/N Thanks to Tazmy and Pranksta for the their invaluable help.

OoOoOoOo

Chapter 1 – Dreams and nightmares

Sitting on his bed on the unhappy anniversary, Sheppard felt older and wiser. He was reminiscing, looking out of the large panelled window. The sunlight streamed through a blue and red pane of glass, highlighting the pale floor. The dust particles in the air took on alternative shades of colour. Red and blue just like the Ancient technology.

He was still wearing the shorts and t-shirt he'd worn to bed and was reluctant to change. A uniform meant the day had started. As did leaving this room. Sheppard wanted nothing more than to lie down and pull the covers over his head, but duty called.

Sheppard rolled his head from side to side to remove the kinks out of his neck. No matter what he did, there was always a feeling of heaviness that remained on his shoulders. It never left.

He glanced at his watch. He didn't need to leave for another hour.

Putting his head in his hands, Sheppard moved his fingers through the unruly hair. There were a few grey hairs now. He would never have believed it. Sheppard smiled as he recalled General O'Neill's words of wisdom, "I think I would rather have grey hair than no hair at all." Before he had left for Atlantis, O'Neill had told him that some things never changed, even in another galaxy. You felt like a babysitter sometimes; especially for those people that performed death defying feats every other week. Despite what others thought, he preferred to think of his activities as life affirming.

Well O'Neill was right; some things had remained the same. It'd been another fun-filled year with the Wraith, Genii and every other man and his dog deciding that they would like Earth, Atlantis, or them dead. There was no denying that they had procured some interesting technology and allies, but it just wasn't the same; some things had changed.

Over a year ago, they'd nearly lost Rodney to the Ancient Wraith-repellent complex. It had almost cost Rodney his life. One month after that mission, Rodney had been back on duty. He'd continued in the same exasperating fashion, but it had been a front.

He'd professed he was okay. Berated his staff. Saved their collective asses. He'd insisted he didn't remember anything from his time in the pod, _I don't have time for the past at the moment, Colonel_, but Sheppard hadn't been convinced. Rodney had refused to discuss it with Heightmeyer; _I don't remember _had been the standard response.

Rodney may have been able to fool the others, but Sheppard, Teyla, Carson, Zelenka, Weir and even Ronon all had known he was hiding something. He'd been slightly off. Like there'd been something nagging at him. It was the little things. He'd stare off into space a little longer than necessary, pausing as if to remember something. Something he didn't want to share. He took their explanation of the events at the complex without question. When they talked of Parcae he didn't ask who it was. He declared that he didn't recall the weapon technology so couldn't make another. He didn't even want to go back and see if there was any other technology left. He didn't even gloat about fixing the Ancient's fuck up. Very un-Rodney like.

Sheppard knew that they would have to talk about it sooner or later because he didn't want Rodney brooding over what he didn't want anyone to know. Sheppard knew what happened when you headed down that path. It would affect McKay and it would all come crashing down on him like a pack of cards. Despite what everyone thought, Rodney did feel deeply about things. He just buried them in layers of scorn and self-professed genius.

What Sheppard couldn't deal with was the fact he wouldn't talk about it. This coming from the man that complained loudly about a splinter. They'd had the extra training sessions Sheppard had promised and he'd tried to broach the subject, but Rodney had remained tight-lipped. Rodney had walked in on him, Weir, Heightmeyer and Carson talking about it. He hadn't reacted too well to the "concern for his welfare" and had vented at him in front of the others. Sheppard was to drop the subject. Period. Anger and frustration laced his words and his stance had screamed "leave me alone". Sheppard retaliated by saying a few choice words that he regretted as soon as he had uttered them. But in all of the sharing, he had come to realise this was about trust and he had confronted Rodney with it. The sudden quietness and the wince on Rodney's face had been his only reply, then Rodney had promptly left the room. End of discussion.

After Rodney had left they had discussed Rodney's off world status. John had argued that Rodney be allowed to go on the mission. He and Rodney would have to resolve this snag and he thought that off world would be the perfect opportunity. The mission was to be a cakewalk. Weir had reservations but Sheppard said he would keep an eye on him. Heightmeyer did not think that it would interfere with his performance off world but recommended that the team be on an extended stand down after the mission. She looked at Sheppard. Maybe Rodney could be encouraged to go to Earth for a vacation? Sheppard smiled wistfully at the thought. Mmmm vacation and another road trip to Vegas. Maybe they would take Teyla and Ronon this time.

So he had waited, to broach the subject with the scientist, until they were off world.

He regretted it now.

Too little too late.

Rodney vanished a year ago. Declared missing in action, presumed dead. Despite his _official_ death, he berated Sheppard in his dreams and invaded his thoughts. It didn't help when they were on missions and he'd turn around and snark at Zelenka in a Rodney-like fashion. The memory of the man refused to fade away. Sheppard expected to see Rodney every time he walked around Atlantis.

There were a couple of things that Sheppard hated; leaving a man behind and unfinished business. Afghanistan always plagued his mind but Rodney's disappearance haunted him. Sheppard felt the burden of a friendship lost. The 'what ifs' bothered him. What if I'd gone first instead? What if we'd arrived in the village earlier? What if...What if...What if...

Depressed, Sheppard sighed and flopped back onto his bed and stared through the window which reached up to the ceiling. He wasn't actually looking at the blue sky through the clear pane, but rather recalling the events of a year ago.

OoOoOoOoOo

_We'd gone on a mission to one of Teyla's old trading planets. There was no mention from Rodney about the long trek or any quips about the women in the skimpy outfits. He practically ignored it all and looked at his Ancient scanner. _

_One minute we were strolling through the village to revisit the leader and finalize the trade agreement, the next we were under fire. It seemed the Genii had decided to pay us a visit and form an alliance with this poor, abused planet. _

_We'd retreated to the Stargate and Rodney had dialled Atlantis while the rest of us laid down cover fire. Teyla had been injured and I'd ordered Rodney to get her through. Just then, the event horizon had started to flicker and Rodney had begun to panic. He froze. Rodney just stared at the DHD as if it were something he'd never seen before. He bent down behind the DHD and stared at his hands in horror._

"_Rodney!" I yelled from behind a couple of rocks next to the DHD. Teyla was unconscious, blood trailing down her head. I peered from behind my shelter fired a few rounds and growled at him again. "Snap out of it!" He didn't move. I didn't have time to mollycoddle him. "Rodney, now's not the time to fuck up, Teyla doesn't have time for you to daydream. Hurry up and fix the damn thing."_

_He snapped out of it and turned towards me, frowning. His eyes lost the glazed look and I could hear him muttering some choice words about the competency of the enemy and his joy at meeting this week's space bimbo. Before I had been able to defend my honor, and mention he'd been the one ogling, the lovely people had started to fire at the only means of accessing the Stargate. _

_Rodney had yelled that he needed to stabilize the wormhole so Ronon had taken Teyla through to Atlantis with me explaining the situation, "Atlantis we're coming in hot." _

_Rodney and I had shared a look when the DHD emitted a few sparks. Oh, definitely not good. But Rodney seemed to have it in hand. I looked at him and grinned in between a couple shots. He rolled his eyes and sucked his fingers when the DHD emitted another blue spark._

_So there I was, guarding Rodney who had just freaked out and was now yelling at me to go before the wormhole disappeared. Nope, didn't work that way, the leader is always last. "You first." _

_He shook his head, muttered something about my 'disturbing hero complex' then ran through the flickering blue horizon. As I fired off a few rounds, I caught the ripples in the event horizon from Rodney's departure out of the corner of my__eye. I sighed and ducked behind the DHD as a few bullets whizzed overhead. As I ran toward my freedom, I thought about what had just happened. Fuck it! Rodney was not going to avoid talking this time. I'd threaten him with banishment from off world missions._

Sheppard sighed and rubbed his face letting his hands fall back to rest behind his head. His fingers interlocked and he took a deep breath before remembering the next events.

_Running through the event horizon, followed by a few projectiles, I yelled to the technician, "Raise the shield." He looked at me oddly but the familiar hum of the shield and thumps of the wasted ammunition followed. The wormhole disengaged and I could see Carson and medical personnel attending to Teyla and Ronon. _

_The gate room guards and medical staff milled about adding to the confusion of the fast return under fire. Ronon muttered he was okay as he was pushed onto a gurney. The steady red trickle on his leg changed direction as he lay down. I__watched as Ronon rolled his head over to look firstly at Teyla, who was being calmly led in the direction of the infirmary, then in my vicinity as he was wheeled away. I smiled. The man had pulled an arrow out of his leg. That little amount of blood was nothing. He'd be out of the infirmary before Rodney could even tell Carson about the splinter he had in his thumb. _

_A nurse approached but I was momentarily distracted by Weir flying down the stairs towards me. "Where's Rodney?"_

"_What do you mean where's Rodney? He came through right before me!" I looked around, pushing the nurse away, and noted the distinctive lack of a whining voice belittling Carson's skills. _

"_Hey! Where's Rodney!?"_

"_That is what I'd like to know, Colonel. Only you, Teyla and Ronon came through the wormhole," she responded._

_I leapt up the stairs, yelling to the technician, "Dial it back up and get Lorne in here."_

_The technician hesitated so I pushed him out of the way and began pressing the symbols for the planet._

"_Colonel, what are you doing?" Weir called, following me._

"_Going to get Rodney." I watched as the symbols on the gate began locking in place. One symbol...two...three..._

"_No," Weir stood next to me and grabbed my arm, "you're not. Teyla and Ronon are in the infirmary and we don't know what happened." _

_I turned to her and interrupted, growling, "We don't leave a man behind." I couldn't leave Rodney there. "We'll go back in a puddle jumper. I just need a few men. Ronon will come with." _

_She held my gaze and I silently pleaded with her. You need to okay this mission and you need to do it now. _

"_Sir, we can't get a lock onto the planet." _

_I turned as the symbols went dark on the gate and panicked. "Get Zelenka in here."_

_Weir spoke quietly. "John." She looked into my eyes. "We need to figure out what happened first. Go to the infirmary and get your arm looked at." Red droplets dotted the floor next to the DHD. I hadn't even noticed that it was bleeding. _

"_And grab Ronon," she finished._

_Hesitating, I reasoned by the time I came back Zelenka would have it sorted. Lorne and Zelenka approached and I apprised them of the situation. _

"_Keep me informed," I concluded, then headed off in the direction of the infirmary. _

_Taking long purposeful strides, I ignored anyone who attempted to make conversation. I was busy._

_Ten minutes. _

_I thought about it. In ten minutes I'd get Ronon, Zelenka would've sorted out the glitch, and then we'd__go get Rodney._

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Funny how things never go as planned.

Sheppard closed his eyes and glanced at his watch. Ten minutes to go before he had to face the rest of Atlantis. He thought he'd forgo the coffee from the commissary. The less people he had to face the better, but he couldn't avoid everyone. This day was going to start out like every other one, with the morning meeting.

He walked to the shower to wash away the weariness from his body. Sheppard stripped and stepped into the shower. The water turned on instantly recognising the gene-carrying occupant. It was pleasantly warm. He didn't want pleasant. With a single thought, he increased the temperature to the hottest he could bear and then a few more degrees. The stinging pain distracted him from the memories.

He spent several minutes under the scalding water before the timer on his watch signalled his tardiness. Time to go.

He stepped out of the shower and the water stopped flowing. Steam swirled around like a fog, obscuring the mirror. He ignored the heat that made the room more a sauna than a bathroom. Quickly rubbing a towel against his reddened skin, he winced as it met the areas that had been closer to the spray of water. It felt like a bad case of sunburn. His inflamed skin protested when he pulled on his uniform.

The bathroom door opened and steam billowed out, beginning to creep across a mirror on the opposite wall. Ignoring the red-faced reflection, he grabbed his radio from his bedside table. Placing it in his ear, he walked to the door and stopped at the chirping sound. He nodded as he listened to the soft voice.

He activated the radio. "I'll be there in a minute. I'm not ready yet," he said, and walked to the door.

He stood facing the door, his hand poised over the control panel. He was late and he should care about that, but instead he found himself with a sour taste in his mouth and a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Good anniversaries brought good things...what about bad ones? Despite the heat in the room, he shivered. He didn't want to delve too deeply into that idea so he waved his hand over the panel. The door slid open and the cool air soothed his exposed skin. His earpiece chirped again and he stepped out. "I'm coming now, Elizabeth."

He left his sanctuary and moved down the corridor. His day had officially started.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Weir, Ronon, Zelenka, Carson and Teyla watched from the table as Sheppard walked into the room. They noticed the reddish skin on his face that travelled down his neck. He flashed a trademark grin in their direction and murmured a "Sorry" as he sat down in the chair next to Elizabeth.

"Are you alright, Colonel?" Carson spoke the question no one else was willing to speak. He could use the pretence of medicine.

"Just a little problem with the shower. No worries." He waved his hand dismissively.

Zelenka leaned forward tapping on his laptop and responded, "I will get someone to work on it after the meeting."

Sheppard just nodded, pasted a smile on his face and leaned back in the chair. He crossed his arms and waited with the rest of them for the meeting to commence.

The shower matter settled, Weir looked at the faces of the people who represented the spectrum of Atlantis; military, science, medical, allies. Friends.

It had been a hard year but they had stuck together. She fingered the pre-mission report in front of her. Now wasn't the time for reminiscing. She had to be the leader, be strong. Later when she was alone, when she didn't have the responsibilities of the day bearing down on her, she would reflect.

Facing the group, she smiled. "Right. Let's discuss today's mission."

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Sheppard and his team walked through the event horizon smiling and joking. The mission had gone well. They'd obtained the trade agreement with the occupants of the village.

There'd been no secret underground bunker, no dormant life-sucking vampires, no disappearing team mates. He breathed in a big lungful of air and blew it out. It had gone well. Actually better than he'd anticipated. He smiled again as Zelenka made a comment about the very accommodating villagers.

All in all he was happy. That is, until he saw Carson and Weir's faces.

It was not unusual to see Weir watching the team's return from missions. She'd done a lot of that in the past year, but the combination of Carson and Weir was only reserved for the missions that didn't go as planned. The ones where the teams were ambushed and returned under heavy fire. Where people were hurt.

Sheppard looked around. The technicians were at their stations looking at consoles, the guards were...well, guarding the gate. People were performing their tasks with their usual dedicated efficiency and alertness borne from necessity. Who knew when you were going to need to raise the shield or fix an almost impossible situation.

While his team had arrived back to a sense of normalcy there was something going on. The Canadian technician, who had replaced Grodin, watched them approach with a hopeful look in his eyes. Weir had her arms crossed and was chewing on her thumbnail. Carson was frowning and pacing as they drew nearer. He looked like a caged animal ready to pounce.

Sheppard climbed the stairs and gripped his P90. Each step he took caused his happiness to be replaced with a gnawing sense of dread. Zelenka, Ronon and Teyla lagged behind, making their way up the stairs slowly as they talked about the mission.

Weir and Carson met them at the top of the stairs. Their professional faces in place.

"Colonel, I take it the mission went well." The hesitance in Weir's voice belied her recomposed stance. Weir was a diplomat. She had the ability to negotiate her emotions and information, only letting a person know what she wanted, when she wanted. The way Carson was fidgeting, if she didn't tell him soon, Carson surely would. Sheppard relaxed his hand on his P90, two could play that game, "Smooth as a baby."

Ronon raised his eye at the curious phrase but didn't pursue the remark. He often found their expressions odd. "They had good knives."

Sheppard gestured at each of his team mates. "Zelenka acquired a few nifty devices, Ronon picked up a few accessories and Teyla made some friends." Sheppard beamed. "Yup, the mission went very well."

"Good, good." Weir frowned for a second before her face brightened. "Go with Carson, for your post mission check up, then we'll debrief and discuss your next mission." She nodded at Carson who hurriedly walked away.

"Is everything okay?" Teyla enquired. Obviously, Sheppard wasn't the only one to notice the nervous atmosphere.

"Major Lorne has requested your team go to PX2365."

Sheppard raised his eyebrows in an enquiring gesture.

Weir responded guardedly, "I'll tell you at the briefing."

Sheppard watched her walk away wondering what she was holding back.

What was she afraid of?

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Chapter 2 – Lost and found

Lorne waited by the event horizon. Johnston and Miller were scouting the planet according to the hasty plan he had discussed with Weir. He watched the natives mill about the gate. It was clear that some of them hadn't seen the gate activated before. Those uninitiated were a short distance away from the main group picking up wood for the fire in the temporary camp. Given a task far enough away to distract them from the unknown.

He liked these people, very down to earth and jovial. When his team had come to this planet, there had been no indication that it was inhabited. As it turned out, these people didn't really live here but were a nomadic tribe, one of five on this world. The Naeno consisted of about thirty people and Lorne learned they were the only tribe that hadn't ventured off world in the past fifteen years.

The leader, Kami, told them that their defence against the Wraith was to never remain in one place for too long. He looked at the children playing in the dirt. A couple of older children were looking after the younger ones. Protecting them. Lorne didn't know how to tell them that their system didn't really work. That the reason they hadn't encountered the Wraith was because they had been hibernating. ?

At the makeshift tents, the older members of the tribe were sitting around the fire. They looked calm. Peaceful. How was he going to break it to them that the wraith were now awake?

Over the past day, the team had been in negotiations with the nomadic tribe. He admired their tenacity. When they'd first approached his team, Lorne and the others hadn't even known that they'd been followed. It was the tribe's way. Scouts determined the validity of the strangers' intent by watching their conduct and if proven worthy they initiated contact. It had served them well for many years. They may live simply but they were very resourceful. Everything they had came from the land or by trade.

It was Johnston who had noticed it. The blue clothing was an oddity amongst the red as and browns. It was definitely a jacket from Atlantis. When Lorne had talked to the Kami about it, they'd found out that the jacket had come from another tribe. Bartered for tools.

A lot of Atlantis gear had gone missing over the past couple of years, whether it be through negotiations or death, but Lorne learned that the person who had given this jacket up was a _pake_. When Lorne asked what that meant the leader had replied that this person was an outsider and described him. Kami had noted Lorne's uneasiness from the _pake_'s description but when Lorne explained it was possibly someone they knew, someone that had been missing Kami had told him the outsider was probably still on the planet. He even offered one of his men to help guide them.

Lorne had contacted Atlantis immediately. Weir hesitated when Lorne relayed his information. He understood Weir's reluctance to pursue this but a lead was a lead. Weir agreed that there was a remote possibly that it was a trap, but she approved the request for a puddle jumper and back up. She had also agreed that Sheppard's team would be providing the back up service.

Lorne knew that, after all this time, if this didn't end up being the missing scientist it would be the last nail in the proverbial coffin. The cruellest kind of joke. The past year had been hard for Sheppard and his team and for Zelenka and the scientists. Hell for all of them. In reality everyone was replaceable but McKay was different. As much as he didn't want to admit it the loud sarcastic man affected people. Maybe a little like sandpaper. Sure he'd rubbed people the wrong way but he'd also smoothed the rough edges. He'd inspire scientists to work to their potential, berating and bullying the best out of them. And for all of his complaining he had remained on the first contact team. A position a few scientists, and finally Zelenka had learned was hard to live up to.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

"Lorne." Sheppard nodded at the man as he emerged from the event horizon. The blue surface rippled and then settled, casting a shimmering hue on the Stargate's surroundings. Lorne returned the nod and talked Sheppard through their efforts since reporting a few hours ago, as three more forms emerged from the wormhole.

Only one of the trio was sporting a physical impediment. Ronon walked through with a tear in his leather pant leg. A white bandage could be seen through the rip in the leather. The butterfly bandages on Teyla's face stood out against her bronze skin. Though there were a few dark smudges under her eyes, she looked alert and ready for action. They all were.

Carson limped through to complete the back up team, carrying a couple of black suitcases, filled with a variety of drugs and medical devices. Just in case. He dumped his heavy burden on the ground, next to Sheppard. "Why didn't we bring another puddle jumper?"

"All the working ones were out. Zelenka has his hands full at the moment and I didn't want to wait for one to be freed up. Besides there's already one here."

"Have they found the owner of the jacket yet?" Teyla enquired. She looked at the vegetation surrounding the gate and spied the tribe to the left of them.

"No. Johnston and Miller are due to check in," he glanced at his watch, "fifteen minutes. The radio signal on this planet is a bit iffy because of the magnetic rock. While we wait let me introduce you to the tribe."

Sheppard had expected to start the search immediately but understood that he would have to wait. He didn't like it but he had waited this long, he could wait another fifteen minutes.

They all walked down the stairs and approached the temporary village. About six tents of different sizes were located around a large fire. They weaved between the sturdy shelters as Lorne led them to the fire. Brown fabric was smattered with red and greens patches and unpretentious faces looked at them from the tent flaps. Teyla smiled as she walked past but the flaps immediately closed when Ronon looked in their direction. One of the huts even emitted a squeak. Sheppard dismissed all of this as he followed Lorne. He was focused on the fire and the person coming to greet them. The information he could glean.

"This is Kami of the Naeno." Lorne gestured and bent down to touch his forehead to the smiling man.

Kami released himself from the greeting and eyed the strangers. "Welcome."

"Kami, this is Lt Colonel John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagen, Specialist Ronon Dex and Doctor Carson Beckett. The ones I spoke of earlier." Lorne smiled. "Can you please tell them what you told me about the person who traded the jacket?"

"Yes, yes. Please, come sit with us." Kami led them to the fire and the mats and logs spread out on the ground. He nodded at one of the women and a mug was offered to each of the new arrivals. Ronon smelled the cup and brought it to his lips, taking a big gulp, "Coffee."

Lorne shrugged at his commanding officer's glare. "We gave them some of our coffee rations earlier, Colonel. They really like it."

Kami gestured to all of his guests. "Please sit."

Lorne took a place on his left side and Sheppard, Carson, Ronon and Teyla sat on the right. While Kami talked, the rest drank and warmed themselves in front of the fire. Sheppard touched his earpiece ensuring the piece of equipment was on. He fidgeted with the mug twisting it in his hands until Carson placed his hand over the offending distraction. Sheppard stopped his action and placed the mug on the ground by his feet and crossed his arms.

"One moon ago we met up with the Kano tribe, as was arranged last winter. We meet once a year to exchange information and trade items. It is not unusual for strangers to join the tribes but very rare. But it was a surprise to see a _pake_," when Carson and Sheppard looked at him vaguely confused he translated, "tall white man. The Kano wanders through the Ancient Circle every two moons. Raya told me they found him beside an Ancient circle ten moons ago. He was injured and alone. The tribe tended to him and he has become their most valued member. His skills are indispensable. He has the ability to fix almost anything."

Kami pulled out a small square stone and placed it on the ground. A bright light rose up from the centre of the stone and formed into an image. Kami's eyes glistened, "_He_ fixed this so I could gaze upon my beloved's face. This was Davi." They all looked at the handsome man with a bright smile on his face. "He died last season."

No one spoke for a few moments out of respect then Carson asked, "How was this man, _pake_, when you met him?"

"Quiet. Not only in speech but in mannerisms. He often wanders away for moments of solitude. Raja said that when he awoke for the first time the only thing he remembered was a Kirk and Spock, nothing more. When asked if the names were his, he smiled sadly and said he felt comfortable with Spock, so that is what he is called."

Gasps and a spray of liquid spewed into the fire interrupted Kami's story. An upturned mug bled its dark contents into the grass and Ronon patted Carson's back as he struggled to regain his breath.

Sheppard stood up and faced the fire, for a moment, then turned to the others. "It _has _to be him. It _can't_ be anyone else but him."

Gasping, Carson was almost fully recovered when he nodded his agreement.

"Lorne, get those men on the radio. Now." Sheppard looked slightly desperate as most of the others struggled to their feet.

Teyla impressed upon Sheppard their surroundings with an admonishing glare and faced Kami, "Please excuse us. We are most anxious to learn if this man is our missing colleague."

Kami nodded in understanding, "Major Lorne has already indicated as such. Please do not let me delay you any further."

Sheppard inhaled sharply and smiled at Kami before heading off in the direction of the gate. Carson and Lorne followed in his wake. Ronon slowly rose from his place by the fire and gulped down the remaining liquid in his vessel. He handed the empty mug to the woman nearby and inclined his head in thanks. He shot Teyla a cursory look before leaving in the direction of the others.

Kami coughed. "The man you are looking for, he means that much to you?"

"Yes." Teyla paused. "And more."

She stepped forward and their foreheads met. "Thank you," she said, then left to catch up with the others.

Kami watched her retreating figure fade into the darkness. If this Spock was the one they sought, he prayed to the Ancestors that good fortune would shine upon them and make their search for Spock successful.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Sheppard's mind was about to explode. Was it possible? His thoughts conflicted as he stomped towards the rendezvous point. Yes? No? Yes! He rubbed his hand over his neck to ease the dull throb that edged into the back of his head. He was sure someone was playing a cosmic joke. They'd looked for Rodney for months, after he'd disappeared. Zelenka had hypothesized that Rodney had been sent to another gate - it had happened to SG1 a few years ago and that was how they'd apparently found the second gate in Antarctica. It was the only theory that fit. On that assumption, the science department -- headed temporarily by Zelenka -- had run itself ragged going through simulations and the off world teams searched the speculated addresses. But as the months had dragged on, without any trace of him, Weir had been forced to declare him MIA.

Anger swelled and pulsed through his veins. He stopped to rub his neck and let the bitter memories wash over him. He'd fought tooth and nail with Weir and Stargate command about that. Rodney was a lucky sonofabitch. He had a very good sense of self-preservation. But more importantly, there was no way Rodney would not have found a way back to Atlantis, short of death, his work meant that much to him. Sheppard believed that Rodney was still out there, alive. In the end, as the months had dragged on, he was the only one who thought that. Weir had ordered him to see Heightmeyer.

_You don't have to lose faith, John, but you have to move on. _

Move on? He laughed bitterly. How could he move on? He never forgot those who had fallen by the wayside...Mitch, Dex, Ford, Sumner, Rodney. But with Rodney it was different. That little voice in his head nagged at him and it sounded so familiar. He had tried to quell it and paste that air of confidence with his day to day activities. Damn it! There is no way anyone else could have thought that name up_ and_ be an Atlantian repairman. It had to be him.

His hand dropped to his side and he clenched his fingers. W_hy the hell hadn't he contacted them_? He frowned and unclenched his fingers. He was getting a little ahead of himself. What if it wasn't Rodney...but what if it was? Hell, they would never have known if Lorne's team hadn't bumped into the Naeno. What if this mission had been postponed by a day? What if? What if? What if?

He stopped walking and Carson skirted around his still form.

"Colonel?" Carson looked at him concerned then patted him on the shoulder. "I want to believe it's him too."

Sheppard looked at the doctor and saw a hopeful face staring back at him. He chastened himself. He wasn't the only one who'd been missing Rodney. "Let's see what the boys have found."

Carson nodded and they headed off to the Stargate in silence. As the group approached the Ancient circle, a puddle jumper passed overhead.

Sheppard hurried to the landing ship. The back door opened and Johnston and a native appeared. Dispensing with the pleasantries Sheppard eagerly asked for a report.

"We have located the Kano tribe, Sir. About four hours from here. We approached the village. We did not encounter the _pake_ and Mari here," Johnston nodded in the direction of the tribesman who had stepped back from the group, "says that the tribe is expecting us tomorrow morning. There's some sort of ritual happening tonight they don't want disturbed."

Teyla cocked her head as she looked at the agitated Sheppard. "It would be best to wait until morning. We would not want to…offend them."

Sheppard nodded reluctantly and asked Lorne, "When's sunrise?"

Looking at his watch Lorne said, "Not for another thirteen hours. The nights are quite long here."

"So we'll camp here tonight and head out at 0400. Teyla, dial up the gate and inform Atlantis that we will make contact with the tribe tomorrow."

Ronon helped Carson store his gear into the jumper then Miller moved it twenty metres from the camp and activated the cloak. They built up a fire, ate, sorted out who was taking first watch, then drifted into the tents for some sleep until only Miller, who was taking first watch, Sheppard and Ronon were left.

Miller moved off to scout the perimeter leaving the warmth of the fire. Sheppard stared into the flames licking the branches, slowly blackening the wood. Wisps of smoke rose up into the air and swirled before dissipating into the night's sky. Sheppard thought of the day's events and his earlier conversation with Weir. He could understand her reservations. What _had_ happened to Rodney in the past year? Did he not want to come back? More importantly, how would they explain to him why it had taken so long to find him?

Ronon was sharpening his knife. The long, rhythmic _s__hick_ and random cracks from the fire broke the silence. Sheppard looked at Ronon. The young man had had a busy year. A reunion with a few Satedans on a mission a couple of months ago had broken any remaining barriers that he'd built up from his seven-year run. It had been good to see the man in another environment – as a brother and uncle. It made the towering man a little more human as he cried and laughed with his newfound family.

OoOoOoOoOo

_Shick_.

Ronon had been observing Sheppard as they sat next to the fire. When he had first met the man, he had sensed a warrior. As Sheppard had tried to convince him to stay, he had wondered how long he would. After so many years on the run, remaining in one place for too long had always brought death to those around him. He had been a loner through necessity, not want. Hope, that it would all end, an extravagance.

In them he had seen an ally. One that would help him fashion that end. The end of the Wraith.

_Shick. _

Ronon looked at Sheppard. Sheppard was staring into the flames with a pained expression that was all too familiar. McKay's disappearance weighed heavily on Sheppard's mind and it was no more evident than at this moment. He hoped for all their sakes that they would find McKay tomorrow.

_Shick_.

Ronon spoke softly over the crackling fire. "Sheppard get some sleep." He rose from his position next to the fire and stood next to Sheppard. "Wouldn't want McKay thinking you missed him." He sheathed his knife then walked to his tent.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Sheppard pondered Ronon's words. It wasn't the lack of sleep, it was the burden of responsibility. Life was a risk, especially in the Pegasus galaxy and everyone knew that coming here. But that still didn't mean that they took unnecessary chances with anyone's life. How did you remove the elements of bad luck, bad timing and bad people? Answer...you couldn't. You just took every day as it came and hoped for the best. This day had started out with such despair but was ending with glimmer of hope. Sheppard was praying that by the end of tomorrow hope would turn to joy.

He stood up and brushed the dirt from his pants. He nodded to Miller, who was surveying the area, and headed towards his tent and the oblivion of sleep.

TBC


	2. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – The Search for Spock

They were ten minutes from their destination and every minute closer brought a new twist to Sheppard's stomach. It churned with anticipation and anxiety. What would happen if it wasn't Rodney? Damn, why did he start doubting that feeling in his stomach now? He glanced back at the passengers. Carson was rechecking the contents of his suitcases, Teyla and Ronon were staring out the window, looking at the treetops passing by. Lorne was in the co-pilot seat. Miller and Johnston sat in the back with Mari.

Sheppard headed for the swirl of smoke in the distance. Next to a small stream was a camp. He cloaked the jumper and circled the camp. Tents fanned out from a fire in the same fashion as the Naeno.

"Lorne, is this the Kano?" Sheppard asked. Lorne nodded and the jumper display lit up with about a couple of dozen dots. The display disappeared and they watched a few people mill about the camp, but neither Sheppard nor Lorne could see the _pake_ from this distance.

"Let's park over there," he told Lorne pointing to a clearing they'd just passed. Sheppard figured they could land the jumper five minutes walk away. That should suffice.

When the door finally lowered, they clambered out and Sheppard turned to them. "Let's go." He didn't feel like making a heart-warming speech.

OoOoOoOoOo

They walked in silence, with Mari and Lorne leading the way, Carson behind Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon bringing up the rear. Miller and Johnston stayed with the jumper.

Sunlight filtered through the tall trees with multi-coloured branches: red, yellow, brown and green. The crunch from their boots was a constant as they progressed towards their target. The wind played with the fallen leaves, lifting a few up during small gusts.

They moved out from the treeline and the sunshine met them in full force. Sheppard adjusted his standard issue sunglasses on his face. He couldn't see the camp over the grass, brown stalks as tall as a person, moving slightly in the wind. It was an effective shield as they heard a child's squeal of laughter close to their left but it soon faded into the distance.

Mari turned to Lorne and spoke softly. Lorne nodded and faced Sheppard and the others. "Colonel, Mari will go and announce us." They watched Mari part the stalks and a glimpse of the camp was revealed. Mari stepped through the opening, which immediately blocked their view before the stalks settled back in place completely severing the opening.

After a few moments Lorne followed Mari. They waited a few moments then they too followed. The only evidence left of their presence was a patch of flattened vegetation.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

They stood in front of the leader of the Kano. Sheppard surveyed the leader with a critical eye. She was dressed in earthy colours that complemented her darkened skin, standing regally, gazing upon the strangers in front of her. She was beautiful. Sheppard tried to hold back the Rodney remarks nipping in the back of his mind. _Honestly, Colonel, you need to work on your people skills, not the flirting skills. You're a skirt chaser...mind you, they don't all wear skirts, but that's not the point..._

"... and Colonel Sheppard. We have come to meet Spock." Sheppard had missed the introductions by Teyla. He smiled brightly at the leader. _Flirt. Colonel, I know you can hear me. _ The woman raised her eyebrows as she reached her hand out to him. "I am honoured to meet you. I am Pathee."

As Sheppard grasped the woman's hand firmly he muttered to himself. That settled it. None of the people they had met, on any of the planets they had ever visited, initiated shaking hands with them. It was too coincidental.

Pathee spoke to them with a soft, clear voice. "Spock is not here. He will be back later, before the sun has settled. You are free to wait with us."

Sheppard hadn't anticipated that. He'd actually expected Spock to be there. "No worries. If you point us in the right direction we'll find him." He looked in the direction of the path they had travelled to get to the camp as he spoke. He could see the tips of the treetops. He refocused his attention on Pathee and his team.

Pathee shook her head and looked sombre. "When Spock leaves, we do not follow him. He leaves to find solitude and we do not interfere in this." At Sheppard's downcast expression she added, "He is always back before sundown. You will wait with us?"

It was a request. Teyla anticipated Sheppard's answer and inclined her head. "We would be most honoured."

OoOoOoOoOo

As darkness began to consume the light and the sky began to sparkle, Sheppard and the others were once again in a familiar situation; conversing with the tribe's people around a warm fire. Sheppard had distracted himself by engaging in the conversations. They talked about the people and the planets the Kano had travelled to. Stories of wondrous tools and sour trades. Life on the move and finally Spock.

So far they had gleaned that Spock was quiet and kept to himself. The Kano wouldn't go into much more detail. Even with a little prompting.

The Kano asked a lot of questions. Who was this Rodney? Why was he important? The queries may have appeared innocuous but this felt like an interrogation. They were building a picture of them. Sheppard hoped that they had passed the initiation.

Suddenly the chatter around the camp was silenced. He quickly looked up and spied a figure slowly making its way towards the fire. The person was swathed in a dark cloak, the hood covering their face, so their identity was hidden.

Pathee stood up and walked past them to greet the stranger. "Spock," she swept her left hand out behind her, gesturing towards them, "These travellers have come to meet you."

Sheppard stood. The figure paused before their pale hands pushed back the hood. Sheppard didn't even realise that the gasp came from him until he approached the man and uttered, "Rodney?"

Sheppard and the others weren't quite prepared for the reaction to their greeting.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

Spock looked at the strangers in front of him. A wisp of a memory swirled into his thoughts then left as soon as it appeared. Oh, that really annoyed him. He schooled his expression into one of wariness. He looked at Pathee then at the thin man with messed up hair, beaming at him. "Rodney?" The look he gave Spock was goofy and his eyes were full of hope.

Spock looked critically at the other strangers. Uniforms, weapons and an attitude. Oh, that was definitely familiar. But, the people were not. At least not from what he could recall. He assessed them. The one with the matted hair looked a little wild and dangerous, the woman reminded him of Pathee, and another man was eyeing him critically which gave him an odd feeling of familiarity.

Who were these people? Spock didn't know a Rodney, but it was the second time someone had called him that since his accident, maybe that had been his name. The last time had not been pleasant. It had cost him. That was why he was wary of these strangers. He had to protect the tribe. Ha, there were only five of them. If things went a little sour, he could do it. Protect the tribe.

Before the man could reach him, Spock grabbed Pathee's arm, "Can I speak to you?" He gestured with his head, "Over there." Pathee was about the only person that Spock talked to. He rarely spoke to anyone else.

Pathee turn around. "Please excuse us." As she faced Spock, she didn't miss the confused look in Colonel Sheppard's eyes and the eyes of his team members. Any lingering doubt that this man was indeed this Rodney was evident in their face. They were tense, torn between remaining where they were and rushing to embrace their newfound friend.

Spock and Pathee walked behind a tent, out of the view of the others and far from the warmth of the fire.

Spock leaned in towards her and spoke in a soft voice, "How did they find us?"

In all the time she had known him she hadn't seen Spock so nervous, his hands twitched on his thighs. She knew something had happened since the last moon. He had become a little more withdrawn and jumpy. "Mari brought them here." She tried to reassure Spock, "Kami would not have sent them, if he did not trust them." She put her hand on his upper arm, "Stay."

He straightened up and scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere."

Pathee removed her hand and looked at Spock. "Then why are you rubbing at the scar on your arm?"

Spock folded his arms, she knew him too well sometimes. "I just don't like surprises. You know that."

Pathee knew that he only did that when he suspected trouble. He hadn't even realised that he did it until she pointed it out to him one day. "We have talked with them. They _know _things about you." She tried to break through that thick head of his, "They could help you."

"I'm not too sure of that. They _look_ like trouble."

"We have always been wary of strangers. You know that I would not have let them see you if I did not believe their intentions were true."

Spock muttered under his breath, "Well the screening process can't always be one hundred percent effective all of the time."

"Do you think you are able to make that judgement? Judge our ways?" Her voice rose as she gave him an admonishing stare. "Remember the market last month?"

"Well how was _I_ supposed to know the man was a farmer?" Spock waved his arms about wildly.

"Because he was selling vegetables? Because I have traded with his people for many years?" Pathee sighed and rolled her eyes, "Because I told you so?"

Spock didn't say anything and Pathee knew he was withdrawing into his mind. "You always keep to yourself and rarely talk to anyone else except to contribute your skills during trades, so why did a farmer draw your attention?"

Spock spoke quietly, "There was something about him...I can't describe it, but it's the same with them." He pleaded with his eyes, "Trust me, I have a bad feeling. This won't end well."

"Well, trust me. Just talk with them for a while. That's all I ask."

Spock stared at her for a moment then nodded.

She shivered. "Okay Spock, let's go back to the fire. It's cold here."

"Yes I suppose it is. Is there any food left?"

Pathee laughed and hugged Spock's shoulder. "You're always thinking of your stomach, Spock."

"I can't help it if I have a healthy appetite. Anyway, you know I have problems if I don't eat."

"I know, but your fixing skills don't compare to your eating skills."

Spock smiled at Pathee's attempt to lighten his mood and braced himself to meet the strangers that his friend trusted.

As they rounded the tent, Spock laughed nervously "I'm a multi-skilled guy."

OoOoOoOoOo

Sheppard looked at his team mates. That went well. He stood feeling a little pathetic as he waited for Pathee and Spock to return from their little meeting. What to do now? Twiddle his thumbs?

He looked up as the duo emerged from beside the tent. He smiled a little hesitantly this time. "Hey, nice of you to join us." Maybe Spock had recognised them?

Pathee moved from the shadows into the firelight. "Colonel, let me introduce Spock."

The man stepped forward and stood in front of Sheppard. It was definitely Rodney. A little thinner and sporting a nice scar on his forehead. It receded into his hairline and Sheppard wondered what other scars were hidden. He stared at the man. The longer he stared the more he realised that this wasn't Rodney. Not in the physical sense. There was no recognition in the man's eyes. No words spouting out his mouth at a million miles a minute. No. Damn it, this was not how it was meant to be.

The silence was awkward and Sheppard broke it. "Hi, I'm Sheppard, this is Teyla, Ronon, Carson, Lorne and I think you know Mari." Sheppard was waiting for the trademark scathing remarks and appropriate hand gestures but when none was forthcoming he stared at Spock. The man just silently appraised each of them. Judging them. He seemed to come to some conclusion before talking to them.

"Yes, I'm Spock. Did you come here for something to be fixed or are you here to waste my time?"

"Spock," Pathee scolded under her breath.

Sheppard watched as the man slouched a little, then paled. He swallowed a few times before straightening with a steely-eyed gaze. "I have more important things to do." Spock quickly turned and left the crowd, disappearing into the darkness.

Pathee apologised but some of them already knew the man could be abrupt and rude. At least there were some things in this universe that remained constant.

OoOoOoOoOoOos

Spock huffed as he walked out of the camp and headed towards the tree line. He was unsure what had caused the outburst. He had reacted on instinct. He didn't think he knew them, but the emotions he was feeling now betrayed that thought. He stopped beside a tree and leaned against the trunk as a familiar pain encircled his head. His hands clawed at his head. The one that was attempting to explode. The pain hadn't been this bad since…

_Arghhh!!!! The sounds of crashing waves were interrupted by a sound of someone screaming as if the hounds of hell were on their tail. It wasn't long before he realised the screaming was from him. _

A warm hand was placed on his. He jerked his body away from the invader. The warmth left and was replaced with a voice. "Hey buddy. Are you okay?" The concern in the voice sounded genuine but the pain in his head left no room for logic and reasoning.

"Leave me alone."

A familiar voice broke through the pain. "Spock, they have a doctor. He can look at you. Maybe give you something for this spell?"

"No…no…they can't help me. It's my burden. Mine and mine alone."

And with that a dark veil descended, swallowing all of his pain, thoughts and awareness.

TBC


	3. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Drowning in Memories

Beep…beep…beep…

_He handles the gun. He toys with it for a moment, before handing it over. He then babbles to himself. He doesn't know what he is saying but it doesn't matter. What matters is the explosion of noise, the blood and the smell of death. The feeling that this is all his fault._

Beep…beep…beep…

_His heart was about to explode. She had used him! Used him to get what she wanted. No matter that their lives depended on what she now held. He pleaded with his eyes. He didn't hear the words but could read the answer in her face, masked as regret. _

_Shocked and angry he could feel their eyes boring into his back as she walked away. He had cost them. It was all his fault they were going to die. _

Beep…beep…beep

_His head was full. Too full with memories not his own. It was hard to distinguish between what was his and what was another's, there wasn't any separation anymore. They were all his memories; the successes and failures. He mentally snorted. There was a difference between having knowledge and knowing everything. Especially the deep dark secrets. He buried them with the ominous thoughts in the recesses of his mind. The ones that told him the folly of his ways. The ones that mocked and taunted him. _

_He shook his too full head. Someone was talking to him. Wanting him to solve all their worries. Fix all the wrongs. Wanting him to tell them all the secrets. Wanting him to rest and collect himself. He couldn't be still. He would drown in the voices, the memories if he did. He joked as he pushed forward knowing he would have to deal with this issue later, "Ah, there's no rest for the wicked, let alone me."_

Beep…beep…beep…

_He'd heard the implications and rumours. It was his fault they were dead. He had no business being here. The sooner he left the better. _

_Tears stung at his eyes as he walked away from the accusing voices. Maybe they were right. He was a screw up. He hurried to a door and waved his palm on a crystal. _

_Standing in front of a vast expanse of water, he counted the names of the dead on his fingers. He stopped when he had no more fingers left. _

Beep…beep…beep…

OoOoOoOoOo

Elizabeth stared at the man lying before her. He was pale and hooked up to various medical equipments. The tubes snaked across the bed to his chest, head and arm. The rhythmic beep was the loudest sound in the vicinity, drowning Rodney's breaths.

Her arms folded, Elizabeth was thinking. Thinking about her choices in the past year.

She winced.

She'd become numb with each failed attempt to find Rodney. It had been hard to tell Sheppard to stop searching. Eventually ordering him to stop. Informing them that Rodney was officially dead.

Sheppard hadn't taken it well. The tension from that decision had formed a rift between the two but they'd had almost a year to come to grips with the loss. To rebuild their friendship. To believe that the right decision had been made.

The person in front of her said otherwise.

When Lorne had called back, requesting Sheppard and his team, the feeling of certainty had wavered. And the radio check with Sheppard had deepened the turmoil in her stomach. Sheppard's belief had inspired her hope that it was Rodney and that everything would be okay. But in the back of her mind, she had faced reality. Rodney would have come home, even if he'd had to make his own stargate.

The frantic radio call about a medical emergency was not unexpected. After their arrival through the gate she'd only had a glimpse of Rodney. Sheppard and his team had looked lost. The woman they had brought with them, upset.

Her worry had been realised upon John and Carson's verbal report. Rodney didn't know them. Before the two of them had been able to talk with Rodney, he had collapsed. Carson's initial assessment from scans and a discussion with the woman who had accompanied them was that Rodney was suffering from retrograde amnesia and at the moment a severe migraine.

"Carson tells me that he won't be awake for a while." The curtain around the bed settled back into place as if it had never been disturbed.

She looked at Sheppard, "John I…"

He shook his head as he gazed at the still form. " We all make tough decisions. He's home and that's all that matters."

Elizabeth gave him a curt nod. She looked at Rodney one last time before leaving.

oOoOoOoOo

Teyla and Pathee waited beside Spock's bed, watching him sleep. The soft snores were a comfort to both women.

Pathee was used to the outdoors and its wide open spaces. This place and this room made her feel confined. The flashing lights, the odd noises and the unusual smells assailed her senses. She longed to return and be with her people. To go home.

But what of Spock? What would he want?

At the debriefing Pathee had explained the appearance of Spock and his integration into their society. She had retold the story of finding Spock wandering, bleeding and disoriented. She really hadn't known what they wanted to hear. Doctor Beckett had questioned her about Spock's medical history while with them and had already shared his findings with the group. Pathee had been reluctant to part with some of the details of Spock's life in the camp. As a leader, she understood loss and regret, but she couldn't tell them everything. She had responsibilities, and besides, some things could not be shared. Only Spock himself could do that.

"_Spock, why do you close yourself off? There are those that would enjoy your companionship." She searched his face for a response__. "If you did not want to share with them perhaps they could share with you. Maybe it would help you remember what it is you have lost." Pathee hoped Spock would take her up on the offer. He had been there for a month but still ate alone. Living on the fringes of the community. Away from the warmth of the fire and the people. _

_He was often so quiet it was almost as if he wasn't there. It was very different from the man who had cried out and babbled constantly in the tent when he had been healing. As soon as he had been coherent the talking decreased as he had withdrawn. He did communicate, but only when necessary. Some of the other tribe's people were concerned and curious of the stranger but had given him his space. It was apparent that he did not remember his name and during the month he'd been there it was the decision of the tribe to bring him into the fold. They would not abandon him but it was hard considering his temperament. She had reasoned that he was lost, in more ways than the obvious, and that they needed to have patience with him. _

_When she had told him, if he wanted, he was part of the tribe the emotions on his face betrayed his uncertainty and unease. Spock cocked his head to the side and frowned. "I…uh…" He stared at her then, as if he had made a decision, he sat down on the rise of a hill in the meadow she had found him in. "Look, thanks for the rescue. I'll find a way to repay you." He swallowed, "But, I could be a murderer for all you know."_

_Was that why he was distant? She sat down next to him, watching him pluck the grass. "I think I am a good judge of character and I do not see that in you." Pathee smiled wistfully. _

_Shaking his head Spock continued, "I remember bits and pieces but they are jumbled up. They don't make sense. Some of them are…disturbing." He dropped the blades of grass and whirled his hands about. "I just don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone."_

_Pathee was silent for a moment. "Then stop thinking about it."_

"_What?" He stared at her as if another head had sprouted from her neck. "I lie down at night and hear screaming, ranting and whispers. I have tried to stop…it doesn't work. Besides, there is nothing for me to do but think!" Spock spat out the last word and stood up quickly pressing the heel of his hands to his temples._

_She looked towards the camp where a tendril of smoke wound its way towards the sky. Pathee got up and placed a hand on his arm. "We could take you to a healer. Maybe, they could help."_

_He shook his head. "No. No." He turned, his clear blue eyes pleaded to her, "Give me something else to think about. Give me something to do."_

_She smiled. "I'm sure we can find you something." _

What Pathee told them was that when they went to other worlds, Spock fixed things which they bartered for food and other goods. In the tribe, everyone contributed. Sometimes Pathee pushed Spock to meet people, but he would stand there and listen. He preferred not to interact.

Kate had interrupted at that point asking about his interaction with the tribe and if he had talked about any of his memories. Pathee didn't want to elaborate on Spock's need for solitude, the dreams that caused him to scream. Spock tended to sleep in a tent on the outside of the camp and often wandered away for hours until nightfall. He always came back, but the quiet determination and resolve he seemly possessed had slowly been crumbling over the past few months. She knew that whatever demons he had been keeping at bay were slowly eroding his carefully built walls. He'd lost weight and his eyes had dulled a little. She knew that the pain in his head never went away and it had been increasing in intensity. This spell had been the worst.

She definitely hadn't elaborated on his frame of mind, until her conversation with Teyla. After the meeting they had bonded over all things Spock. Pathee felt at ease with the strong woman now sitting by her side. She sensed a kindred sister. She told Teyla of her concern. Spock was afraid. He would not share his fear with her despite all her attempts of support. He locked it all inside and she worried the harm this was causing him. She believed they could help him in a way she could not. Teyla absorbed this all while holding her hand.

The tempo of the machine beside the bed began to increase as Spock shifted in his bed, mumbling softly. Pathee breathed deeply recalling the loud screams that had erupted from the now-silent man. For all his knowledge, Spock had refused to trade his skills to get a healer to help him. She recalled the incident clearly. He had waved his hands about and muttered to her something about voodoo doctors and the chance of decreasing his ever-diminishing brain cells. She had been unsure what a voodoo doctor was and when she inquired he had not been able to tell her either. In the end they had walked past the healers straight to the tent with the devices.

Spock was able to touch devices from the ancestors. He was blessed. She remembered the first time.

_The trade market on Yeste were always interesting with many stalls and eager traders. _

_In one of the tents Spock handled a small, thin pad, which immediately lit up. It was not the first time she had seen it happen, but it still surprised her. He smiled and quickly put it down before the vendor had seen what he'd done. The gruff man hadn't noticed, but Spock's obvious enthusiasm hindered his bartering. "Oh come on, it's not worth that much."_

_She watched as the situation slowly degraded to the point that Spock was throwing insults. Pathee and the vendor may not have understood the words, but the intent came through loud and clear. As much as she had wanted Spock to interact with someone, this was not the way. She had intervened and eventually gotten the red-faced Spock to apologise. His abrupt outburst had worried and shocked her. It was completely opposite to the normally quiet man. Attempting to smooth things over with the vendor, Pathee sent Spock away and brought the items he had been eyeing. Something about these items had triggered a reaction and so she had thought they would be a good purchase. Another link to Spock's past._

_They had discussed what he remembered briefly but she knew he was holding something back. She didn't know why he wanted to suffer in silence but every attempt to broach the subject had been stonewalled. It was both puzzling and frustrating. She decided that she would try other avenues like the purchase of these devices._

_Spock had been delighted w__hen she had presented the devices to him. The thin pad, small green and blue brooch and long tube had been quickly taken and Spock had wandered off to the tent where he had set himself up an area to tinker with devices. The way his face had lit up made her smile too. _

She looked at the still, silent man. When he was working he was fascinating to watch. He took each device and caressed them looking for their secrets. He didn't stop until they were revealed. It became his contribution for the tribe. A very profitable one and not just for trading. He fixed devices and brought joy to the owners. She liked to think that in Spock helping others helped him in a way too. Gave him his sense of purpose.

Staring around at this place, filled with more devices than Spock could handle, Pathee couldn't help but feel jealous. If indeed he was this Rodney, then he would be leaving them. Here, his purpose was clear. And despite his unusually deceptively quiet nature, she would miss him.

oOoOoOoOo

She just watched and waited.

"…I'm not staying. I don't care if they say they_ know_ me." Spock was like a caged animal, making a lot of noise and pacing around the room. His arms were waving wildly, as he muttered to himself and occasionally acknowledged her presence. Suddenly he stopped, sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. Spock spoke in almost a whisper, "I don't know them."

Pathee moved over to sit next to him. "I know it is a lot of information to absorb, but spend some time with them before you make your decision. Do not leave any regrets. If you feel like this place is not your home then come back. We will be there for another quarter moon before going to Kalae to trade. And even then, we will stay at the planet until the next full moon. You have time."

It was a few moments before she continued. "Do not judge them too hastily. They lost something, too."

She put her arm around his shoulders. "Promise me you will give them a chance."

He nodded slowly, giving her a crooked smile.

She couldn't help but smile back.

TBC

A/N - This story is almost complete. There are ten chapters and I am currently writing the last one. Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Unfamiliar surroundings

Pathee waved to him. He watched her retreating form, laden with bags from Dr Beckett and Teyla Emmagan, be slowly enveloped in the watery opening until she was gone. He felt a little lost and crossed his arms, sighing softly. He had promised Pathee he would give them a chance and here he was. He did have something he was supposed to be doing back home, a little project, but he could afford a couple of days.

This whole place and its people were a puzzle he was reluctant to piece together. He was worried that if he completed it, he'd find the answer to his flashbacks. That those brief glimpses were real and he was a monster. That his life had been a waking nightmare. He really didn't understand why he'd agreed to this. Curiosity?

Did he really want to understand when his dreams indicated the depth of his perversity? He'd lied, tortured and killed people.

He tried to reconcile his meagre memories with the people before him. They didn't seem like those from his flashbacks, but he had the overwhelming sense of foreboding when he had walked through the gate. He was so confused. He wondered why he cared so much. This was his past, wasn't it?

He looked away from the Ring of the Ancestors, the Stargate, and wondered what he was supposed to do now. He'd never seen so much technology in one place. Light shone through the panelling on the walls, mesmerising him.

"Rodney. What would you like to do?" Doctor Weir asked the very question he had been pondering.

"I think a visit to the mess hall would be the first order of the day. Then a little tour of the labs."

Spock turned toward the drawling voice. "Colonel Sheppard."

"Call me Sheppard."

Spock mustered a smile. Time to give them a chance. "Okay, Sheppard. Food sounds good. Lead the way."

He nodded to Doctor Weir and followed Sheppard. They walked in silence, Spock didn't have anything he wanted to say at this point, but it was hard to ignore the looks people gave him. They continued through the twists of the corridors until they came to a door. It opened automatically and Sheppard motioned for him to step in.

Spock was a little hesitant about being in the enclosed space, but finally curiosity won him over. He watched Sheppard press a map on the wall and the doors closed only to open a moment later. _Huh. _That certainly made manoeuvring around this place a little easier. No wasted energy or time getting from point A to point BSpock wondered ifthere were crystals behind that map that was obviously a control panel. He'd found that clear crystals were a necessary component for many of the Ancestors devices. He was so caught up in his thoughts, he almost dismissed the sound of someone clearing their throat.

Sheppard stood at the doorway looking at him. "Come on, slow poke." He gestured for Spock to follow. Some people stopped talking as he and Sheppard walked down the hallway while others just stared. Spock hoped the novelty would soon wear off.

As they approached the commissary, Spock's head began to ache. It wasn't so bad. He'd had worse. He just followed Sheppard's example and grabbed a tray. "Teyla and Ronon have saved us a table." Sheppard grinned, nodding in their direction. Teyla inclined her head when she saw Spock look their way. Ronon just kept eating.

Spock looked at the food and picked up a cup filled with a bluish substance Sheppard called Jell-O. He also picked up another kind of food, which Sheppard promptly took off his tray, and looked at him concerned. "You're allergic to it." Spock thought it looked okay, so he shrugged.

They didn't talk. Spock had nothing to say and the beginnings of a niggling headache didn't help either. It was mild, but the small ones sometimes blossomed into crippling one. In those cases, solitude was the only way he had to deal with them, but in this place he couldn't just walk to a wide-open space. In any case this headache was too soon after the last one. It was usually a few days before he'd get another one. He must be hungry because the medicine the Doctor had given him had been working, giving him a brief respite from the pain. As if on cue his stomach made a loud noise and the band around his head tightened a little more. On the other hand maybe he should rest in his room after this. After the meal he'd tell Sheppard that he could see the labs later. The meal couldn't take that long.

As they waited in line, Spock tried to ignore the feeling of being watched, being stared at. He looked around. There were so many faces. Too many faces. A familiar ache began behind his eyes and the pressure in his head increased. He knew sooner or later it was going to get worse. The smells of the food began to overwhelm him. Panic welled up from the pit of his stomach. The Jell-O wobbled as he turned to Sheppard. "Uh, can someone escort me to my room? I'm not feeling hungry." He put his tray down.

Sheppard looked at him worriedly. "Sure. You okay?"

Spock waved his hand about as his stomach churned. "Tired, I think." He didn't want to ask for help. He just wanted to be alone.

"Okay." Sheppard put his tray down and they left. They walked in silence until they reached Spock's room. He smiled at Sheppard. He didn't want to show any weakness even though his body was betraying him.

"Thanks." Spock waved his palm over the door just as he'd seen Sheppard do it. "I've got it from here."

Sheppard stood at the threshold, undecided. "Okay. Catch you later."

Spock watched as Sheppard went around the corner before closing the door. The pain-free facade he'd raised came crashing down. He stumbled over to the bed and missed. The hard floor jarred his body as he sank to his knees. He slumped onto his side. He couldn't concentrate. The pounding in his head increased as he put his hand over his mouth to muffle the sounds coming out. He was whimpering as the pain overwhelmed him. It felt as if his brains were being forced out of his eyes and ears. His breathing hitched and then he was screaming into his arm. His last coherent thought was that there was no way he was going to be able to survive this one.

oOoOoOoOoO

Sheppard walked away with the knowledge that something was wrong. He was torn. If this had been Rodney, John would've told the man not to be an ass and dragged him off to the infirmary. Mind you, if this had been Rodney, he would have visited Carson himself demanding loudly for some of the good stuff. But it wasn't Rodney. This was Spock, and despite what he had said about only being tired, the pale frowning face and sheen of sweat had indicated otherwise.

As he rounded the corner, Sheppard touched the radio in his ear. "Carson, I think you need to pay Rodney a visit."

"What's he done to himself?"

"He said he wanted to rest, but I think he has that headache back."

"The fool. I told him to see me…Colonel, you need to go back." Carson's frustration was evident.

Carson had speculated that Rodney's headaches were a result of the knock to the head he'd received when the gate had malfunctioned; the intensity of the headaches had him worried that there was something else going on. He'd tried to investigate but as soon as Rodney had been coherent, he had wanted to be released from the infirmary. Pathee had said he'd avoid a healer at all costs.

While Carson indicated Rodney was probably experiencing retrograde amnesia, Sheppard was hoping that by staying in Atlantis they could coax some of those memories back. It was good to have the man here, but it wasn't Rodney. A Rodney that didn't complain about being sick was unnatural.

"I'm going back to his room."

"We'll be there soon."

Sheppard hurried to the door and instructed it to open with his mind. Nothing. He waved his hand over the panel. Nothing. "Control. I need you to open the door to Rodney's room."

He waited a few minutes before the control room technician replied. "Sir, the door is not responding."

"Call Zelenka." Sheppard continued to try to gain access to Spock's room. He began pushing the panel.

Weir joined in the conversation. "Colonel, what's the matter?"

"The door to Rodney's room won't open. We think that he's got another headache."

"We?"

"Carson's on his way down."

A muffled scream erupted from behind the door.

"Dammit." Sheppard began pounding on the door, "Elizabeth, get Zelenka here NOW!"

oOoOoOoO

Spock opened his eyes. He lay, flat on his back, without pain and stared up into the darkness. _So this is what it feels like when your brain explodes. _ From the corner of his eye a brief flash of light blinked out of existence. He supposed he was still in the room on Atlantis, but the lights were out. That or he was blind. Spock let out a sigh. Or he was dead.

"You are not dead."

The soft voice shocked Spock. He whipped his head around in the voice's direction and attempted to see the person talking to him, but they were well hidden by the darkness.

The voice spoke again, "Let me illuminate this place."

Slowly, a small light blossomed, growing brighter and brighter until a person was revealed.

_Huh. _A blonde woman sat on a simple chair watching him. She was dressed in a white and brown suit, her golden locks flowing over her shoulders. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Trebal," she extended her hand and rose from her seat, "we've met before."


	5. Chapter 6

A/N - Sorry for the delay. Almost everyday I get kidnapped by this place called 'work' and today I managed to escape a little earlier than usual.

Chapter 6 – Past and present friends

Spock took the offered hand and Trebal helped him to a standing position.

"Once again, I apologise for the circumstances we must meet under, but it is necessary."

Spock crossed his arms and glared at her confused. "Again?"

Trebal placed her hands behind her back and stood before him in the vast white nothingness. "We met over a year ago. You helped complete an energy experiment to stop the Wraith culling on a planet. A by-product of this experiment was the implantation of Others' memories into your mind; those previously absorbed by the experiment. They were there only for a short time." She looked apologetic. "When we last met, my sisters and I were to remove those memories from you."

None of this made any sense to him. He looked around at the vast nothingness. He wasn't in Atlantis. "Let me guess," Spock's eyes narrowed, "that didn't happen."

Trebal continued, unflustered, "The memories were to fade once removed. You are correct, not all of them were removed. One of my sisters wanted a legacy. For you to have her knowledge."

Spock concentrated. Experiment. Memories. Knowledge. "I got a consolation prize! Lucky me." He'd had information downloaded into his brain and it was short circuiting it. That was if he believed what she was saying.

"I can not express my sorrow for her interference but…she has been punished."

He began to pace and looked at her in confusion, "And that helps me how?"

Trebal smiled brightly. "I have come to remove the remaining memories."

"And how do I know what you are telling me is the truth? That you will take them," Spock moved his hands into the air and imitated quotation marks, "all this time?"

"You do not."

"So, I am just supposed to trust you when you did such a bang up job last time?" he cried.

Trebal ignored him. "They have been causing you conflict, and combined with your injury they are impeding your recovery."

"The headaches and memory loss? I thought that was all due my injury." Spock was sceptical.

"The memories are also part of the reason you fail to remember who you truly are."

"And who am I?" Spock thought of the memories he had glimpsed so far. Failure and death were how he'd sum them up.

"You are Dr Rodney McKay. The Chief Science Officer of the Atlantis expedition."

And that meant little to him. Just because she confirmed what Sheppard and Weir had called him didn't mean that was him, did it? So what if he was supposedly a member of Atlantis. With responsibility came power. The power to destroy and power to devastate. He recalled the look of terror on the faces from his memories. The feelings of loss and hurt and blame. Those memories felt real to him. He knew in the depths of his very soul that they were his and his alone. He didn't know if he wanted that responsibility.

"What if I like being Spock?"

"You are needed here." Trebal looked at him with concern.

"I don't have a choice?"

She shook her head. "I must take back those memories."

He thought for a moment. "Will all the memories go?"

Trebal moved forward and reached her hand out until it almost touched his head. "Not all. Only those that were not yours."

"You mean I know some of those…" The smell of burning flesh, flashes of red smears, and sounds of blood curdling screams assaulted him. He swallowed. "Can't you take those too?"

"I can not." Trebal shook her head. "You are the sum of your experiences. The good…and the bad. I must do this now."

"Will I remember this?"

"No."

Rodney braced himself but it wasn't enough for the invasion. He screamed as her hand pierced his forehead and his memories were ripped apart and reassembled.

OoOoOoOoO

The bright light did nothing to ease the thudding in his chest or the loud shrill noise echoing in his ears. Something was different. Off.

A voice called out from the distance, "Marie, turn off that monitor." A hurried rustle of fabric and the voice was back again, closer this time. "Rodney, open your eyes."

He forced his eyes open. Everything was blurry. He tried to speak. "Srrrgh."

Ice chips were placed between his lips.

A voice asked, "What did you say?"

His mouth absorbed the moisture. He cleared his throat, wincing at the pain in his head, and swallowed. His voice was rough. "My name is Spock."

There was a soft sigh, "Spock, how do you feel?"

"Headache."

"I'll give you something for it in a moment. First, do you remember where you are?"

"Atlantis?"

"That's right."

Spock felt a pinch on his arm as the voice continued, "You just rest and we'll talk later."

The voice talked to another, "Colonel, he'll be okay. The blood was from him hitting the floor. No, the MRI didn't show any swelling…"

As he faded into unconsciousness Spock's last thought was that something had changed.

OoOoOoOoOo

"Colonel." Carson walked down the hallway trying to catch up to the man in front of him. Sheppard had left the infirmary fairly quickly once Rodney had woken.

"What is it Carson?" Sheppard stopped and faced the doctor. The light in the hallway was bright and Carson studied the man before him. Dark shadows haunted Sheppard's face and made him look tired and drawn.

"I was wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner?"

"Sure. I was just going that way to meet up with Teyla and Ronon. Give them an update on Rodney, since they've come back from the mainland."

They fell into step as they walked to the transporter. Sheppard was silent and Carson wondered what the man was thinking.

"I've put Rodney onto a new medicine to manage the headaches. As long as he keeps taking them he shouldn't suffer from them any more."

Sheppard paused."Okay, that stops the headaches. What about recovering his memories?"

Carson wondered what was bothering Sheppard more, that Rodney didn't remember them or that he'd been missing for so long. Since the mission with the complex Sheppard had treated Rodney differently. It wasn't like the incident at Doranda, it was the opposite. He'd shadowed the man. Smothering him. Rodney had withdrawn into himself and taken to avoiding them all. Carson had thought that Rodney had needed time to work through it but Sheppard had insisted that they needed to do something. It had all come to a head when Rodney had walked in on them discussing him. Carson had never seen Rodney so angry. He'd told them, point blank, to piss off and Sheppard had. Carson knew that was the point that Sheppard regretted most. He had done what Rodney wanted. He'd backed off and then they'd lost him.

"That will take a little longer."

John stopped and turned to face Carson. "He may never recover them. Isn't that right?"

"Aye, that's a possibility."

"Not sure if I like that." Sheppard walked a little faster with a haunted look on his face.

Carson sighed, "Neither do I."

They turned the corner and entered the transporter. The light from the small enclosure bled into the dark hallway. Carson pushed a location on the map and the doors shut on the bleak faces of the two men.

OoOoOoOoOo

Carson, Ronon, Teyla and Sheppard were sitting at the mess table in the corner. They all looked tense.

Ronon leaned forward and rested his arms on the table, staring at Sheppard. "What if he decides he wants to go back?"

Carson was wondering the same thing. Rodney had been here for 16 hours and he had spent more time in the infirmary asleep than being awake. It was both frustrating and worrying. They had got him back but they were no closer to him regaining his memories. Heightmeyer said they should call him Rodney, it would 'anchor him with familiarity', but he insisted on being called Spock which amused Zelenka no end. Sheppard wasn't laughing. He was desperate. He wanted what they all wanted, their friend. The loud, sarcastic scientist.

Sheppard looked at Ronon with a little annoyance. "He's better off here."

"How are you going make him stay?" Ronon countered.

Sheppard flashed a big grin and stood up, lifting the coffee mug from the table. "I'll use my charming personality," he said, and walked away.

Teyla watched Sheppard leave the mess hall. She closed her eyes and sighed. It had been a long year. "Ronon, you should not push the Colonel."

Ronon settled back in his chair and crossed his arms. "He should face reality. Wishing it were different doesn't change it."

"Rodney hasn't been here long enough; we have to give him time." Carson countered.

"Time is a luxury." Ronon stood up abruptly and left.

Teyla and Carson watched the tall man leave.

"They are hurting." Teyla spoke quietly.

"Aren't we all?" Carson replied.

OoOoOoOoO

Sheppard moved towards the infirmary with a sole purpose. He was going make Rodney remember, no matter what. They didn't just get him back only to let him go again. Hell, why would Weir let him go? They'd probably send him back to Earth rather than back to the tribe he'd been with for the past year. Either way they would lose him.

Sheppard wasn't going to let that happen. He needed to come up with a plan. One to convince Rodney to stay.

OoOoOoOoO

Spock shuffled about on the bed restlessly. He was bored. He'd counted the holes in the tiles in the ceilting. All 13,054 of them. He had listened when they thought he wasn't. Watched and learned.

He looked at Carson as he gave the five medicine bottles to the Colonel. The man looked tired. He wasn't oblivious to his surroundings.

"Yes mom. I will make sure he takes his medicine twice a day." Sheppard smiled at him.

"I'll know who to hold responsible then," Carson replied, exasperated.

Spock felt a pang of jealousy at the ease of their banter and a sense of loss for something he couldn't even remember. As eager as he was to see the labs he didn't know whether he would be able to meet the Colonel's expectations. He kept calling him Rodney, and Spock had given up trying to tell him otherwise. He felt sorry for the man. Spock wasn't Rodney and he didn't know if he really wanted to be him either. He'd asked Carson for some information about him and had been given a computer – with limited access. The information had bewildered and excited him. He was from Earth and he was from another galaxy. He was the head of the science department and a member of Sheppard's team. He had been given a few mission reports from the start of the expedition. They didn't list everything in minute detail but he could read between the lines. One report in particular intrigued him.

"Come on, Rodney, let's go meet Zelenka and have that belated tour of the labs. The one you missed the other day."

Rodney hopped off the bed and turned to Carson and nodded his head. "Thank you."

Carson watched them leave the infirmary and walked to his office, where Elizabeth was waiting. Sitting on a chair, she gave him a wistful smile.

Weir sobered. "What's your prognosis?"

"I think the knock to the head is the biggest issue at the moment. I have him on a mixture of drugs to control the headaches and reduce the seizures." Carson walked past Weir and sat down behind his desk. Paperwork was pilled on one side and his stethoscope lay abandoned on top. An Athosian bowl was perched in the middle. "But as I said to the Colonel, he could remember in the next ten minutes, next week or never. Head injuries are tricky. Familiarity is sometimes the best medicine."

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. "Carson, you know as well as I that he can not go back to live amongst the Kano."

Carson's shoulders hunched. "I know." He looked up and saw Elizabeth studying him. She licked her lips and he waited for her to say something. He saw the naked emotion in her eyes before it was replaced with the profession manner she shielded herself with.

She moved to the door and turned to face him. "Send me your report by the end of the day."

OoOoOoO

Carson stared at Elizabeth as she left the room. He was doing all he could medically, but he knew that was not where the answer lay. He hoped they would be able to come up with a plan this time to bring 'Rodney' back. The Spock persona was a pale version of the scientist. He wanted his friend. Maybe spending time in the lab would reveal something to him. They certainly hadn't much luck with the few mission reports he'd been allowed to read on a laptop. It was probably the only time Carson had wanted Rodney to have one in the infirmary.

Carson racked his brain trying to think of a way to bring Rodney's memories back. He looked at the designs on the Athosian bowl. The green swirls tracked around the outside. Carson fingered the pattern and inspiration struck. He took off his lab coat and hurried out of the infirmary to find Teyla. She had talked with Pathee when Rodney had first been brought in, and he hoped that she had given Teyla some insight into Rodney and what was going on in that big head of his.


	6. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 - Operation Total Recall.

Spock sat on the hard stool and swivelled a little to the left to look around the room.

Sheppard had given him a little tour before coming to this room. They'd been to the east balcony to gaze at the water, to the jumper bay to inspect the ships, and to the mess hall to grab some food - all on their way to the lab. Spock was sure Sheppard was trying to jog his memory. Now that his head didn't feel like it was splitting apart, Spock had time to appreciate his surroundings in more detail. He felt a little freer to take that second chance Pathee had mentioned.

The view from the balcony had been exquisite. The water was a crystal blue and each breath he'd taken refreshing and calming. He'd always found large bodies of water soothing to look at, but not to be in. He'd never been able to rationalise the difference. The temperature in Atlantis was controlled, but out in the open the rays from the sun were like a warm embrace. With all his time spent inside Atlantis' infirmary, he hadn't realised how he had missed their tanning rays. A lot of his time with the Kano had been spent wandering the woods and surroundings trying to rationalise his memories and ride out the headaches. He didn't want anyone to hear him vocalise the visions that came with each throb…he wanted to think of them as nightmares, not actual memories. Because if they were true… He could usually remember the essence of them after the bad spells, the sense of wrong on his part, the feelings of loss and betrayal. But now it was slipping away. He had tried to hold onto them, the one thing that had focussed him. Now he felt off-centre. Something was different.

He was glad to be out of the infirmary. He hadn't spent any time with healers while with the Kano because he couldn't deal with the possibility that there was something wrong with him. He'd thought they would confirm his suspicion, that he wasn't right in the head, then lock him up and throw away the key. Leave him to the horrors of his mind, the endless replay. But in the confines of the infirmary he had felt alright. It was hard to justify the impression that he would be safe in their care. Since when had he trusted his _feelings_? They had only ever gotten him a world of hurt. But his curiosity was piqued at the realisation that he trusted his feelings. He felt safe with them, but he had no logical reason to.

The light from the windows in the hallways cast strange patterns on the floors as Sheppard and Spock walked. No one appreciated it. They just moved about this place as if it wasn't a marvel. He'd love to see what it looked like from afar. The technological marvel of organic and inorganic. He understood they were floating on the water and his mind whirled with calculations. The power requirements must be immense. He was amazed by the whole experience - he had nothing to compare to it. He'd never been anywhere like this before and, despite himself, he was excited to see the labs. He tried to be professional and distant but from Sheppard's sparse details from the tour this place held everything he'd dreamed of, if you excluded the blood and the Wraith. Technology with the ability to change people's lives. As much as he'd like to dive in and look at the big stuff, he wasn't stupid, their Rodney had been missing for a year, and he imagined he would only be able to look from afar. Well, from his stool but that was enough for him. Wasn't it?

Spock swivelled the stool to the right, in the direction where Sheppard and two other men talked. Every once in a while they would glance in his direction. When he'd first arrived on Atlantis, he hadn't appreciated the stares from the personnel as they'd walked past, but he'd remained quiet. Now he'd like to think he was used to it after three days, but it was starting to piss him off. Just like the equation on the whiteboard on the far side of the room. He only had so much patience.

When they'd first entered the lab, Spock had appraised all the devices and equipment from the doorway. It was amazing. Sheppard hadn't looked at the room in awe, like he had; he'd just walked in and navigated a path towards another man.

Spock had really tried to listen to Sheppard's introduction to the shorter man but the room was inspiring. He'd just automatically nodded. He was glad Pathee had made him stay. He was unlikely to never see this amount of technology ever again. He smiled wistfully and held his hand out in greeting to the other man's. Zenka, Zulka. Zelenka.

"Good to see you." Zelenka smiled back and started talking to him about the room and the equipment within. Spock had been interested, very interested, until another person arrived searching for the wispy-haired man. Zelenka had given his apologises and showed him to a bench with a promise of return. Sheppard had followed him and the three men had begun a discussion out of his ear shot.

He felt a little out of sort at being abandoned but that had been several minutes ago and now Spock was annoyed. He fingered a small device on the table and shifted on the stool in an effort to stave off boredom. The object was smooth, seamless and cold. He put it back amongst the collection on the table and looked around the room, avoiding the large whiteboard. He spied displays with flashing light, papers with scribbles and felt the gentle vibrations from the working equipment. The only thing missing was more people. He wondered if everyone was at lunch. Spock had no way to gauge the time and the room had no windows. Light came from the artificial fixtures in the ceiling. It did seem a while ago since he'd eaten. He also needed to take those pills the Doctor had forced upon him.

After a short while he became impatient and focussed on the whiteboard covered with a hurried scrawl of numbers and letters in the far corner. The writing was atrocious but its familiarity sent shivers up his spine. Spock wasn't sure why he understood this but he did and he knew there was something wrong with it. To start off, the second line had the decimal place in the wrong place and the logic of the fifth line was completely illogical. Whoever had written this had had his mind checked out for the day. It was stupid. Plain and simple. How did they expect to run this place if they couldn't even get the math right? Spock huffed and glanced at the men deep in conversation. It was as if they were ignoring him. Fine. He'd take a little stroll around the room and if he happened to end up at the whiteboard with the equations of death he might just find a way to fix it. After all he couldn't just let them wallow in stupidity.

He rose from his seat and flashed a grin at Sheppard who noticed his movement. _Make nice with the natives, Spock. They might surprise you. _Pathee was always trying to centre him with sentimental reason and her words echoed in his mind. Well, these people weren't natives and he felt he owed them for the help they'd given him. They might appreciate it. Normally he would shy away from people, fearing the voices from his past would rear their ugly head. The one time he'd ever expressed any true emotions was on a planet with the traders and he'd become very angry until Pathee had shooed him away. He'd been worried at his outburst, but Pathee hadn't batted an eye. She'd decided that he'd shown a passion for something that was then nurtured.

He walked past the men talking and stood in front of the scribbles. He began thinking about his current predicament. He was a realist. Long ago he'd thought that either all the people he'd known had died or they simply hadn't wanted him. He'd preferred the latter explanation, because if it were the former he had suspected he'd probably had a hand in it.

He worried constantly that someone would recognise him at the markets. It was an irrational fear. Why worry about something he couldn't control? And that was when he realised he wanted to be in control. When he wasn't, his dark outlook on life became known. No one survived alone in this galaxy. The more he'd thought about it the more he'd spiralled into visions of him being abandoned. The snippets of memories he'd had gave credence to that thought. Being yelled at, the unrealistic demands that were laid at his feet and the resulting blame. At first he'd been angry, resigned, and then depressed. He'd often stared at his hands expecting to see blood. So red, tacky and…he shook his head and stifled a sob before collecting himself.

He'd spent enough time reminiscing over those thoughts and they'd only given him pain. He wanted that pain to end. He wanted those memories erased and wanted to start afresh. He also wanted a purpose to his life. Apparently, the only thing holding him back was himself. Or so Pathee had often told him. He had to overcome those memories and he needed help with that. Pathee seemed to think the Atlanteans could help him. The Kano and the people here had only shown him kindness. But with the Atlanteans he knew he had the potential to make a difference. The equation was right in front of him and begged to be righted.

A quiet cough roused him from his musings. He hadn't noticed Sheppard standing beside him. Spock's thoughts of them wallowing in stupidity were now long gone.

"Something wrong?"

"I'm fine." He pointed to the scribbles and stated quietly. "This is not."

"Zelenka," Sheppard called over his shoulder.

"Yes, Colonel."

"McKay's had a brainwave."

Spock started to correct the colonel, about his name. He'd thought about it often enough. That it might not be his name and these people insisted that he was Rodney but still, he was reluctant to part with it. He had taken the name and it seemed real to him and he'd grown used to it. McKay didn't hold any significance for him. Spock pointed out the errors. "Here, here and here."

"Looks like the knock on your head gave you a little clarity." Zelenka chuckled.

Spock looked at him a little confused. Zelenka stood to his left and put his hand on Spock's shoulder. "This was what you were working on when you disappeared."

"Oh." If that were true no wonder it looked familiar - it was his stupid equation.

OoOoOoOo

His stomach was no longer grumbling, having finished eating at the commissary, but his mind was in turmoil. Rodney felt so confused. Sheppard shot him a concerned look and he gave him a lopsided grin in return. He tried to project calm but it was as if the carefully built walls he'd put up were slowly crumbling. He didn't know what was up and what was down. He was having an epiphany and he didn't know how to deal with it. He was Rodney. Deep down in his very soul he knew it to be true, but he was clinging to the familiar. He didn't remember being Rodney.

A vast expanse of water lay under the jumper as it flew past. The water reflected the sun's rays and made it shimmer.

He'd wanted to get away from the lure of Atlantis and when Teyla had asked if he would like to join her on a trip to the mainland and meet her people he'd jumped at the chance to be out in the open. Sheppard, of course, was the pilot in this little escape and Ronon had decided he would tag along. The four of them were sitting in the jumper; Rodney up front next to Sheppard, looking out the window, Teyla and Ronon at the back chatting with each other. It felt – he didn't know how he felt – comfortable, natural to be with these people.

"McKay, you wanna have a go?"

"What?"

Sheppard grinned at him. "At flying."

Rodney looked at him with an astonished expression. Did this man know what he was doing? Honestly, he was the military leader of Atlantis and he was asking him to pilot the thing that was keeping them airborne. Even if he'd done this before, how did Sheppard know he wouldn't ditch them into the ocean?

"It's easy, just put your hands on those and tell the jumper what you want to do." The window merged into a map and Sheppard pointed to a spot on the land mass. "Go here."

Rodney supposed they were the blue dot. He'd been watching the colonel fly and he wondered if Sheppard was testing him. He reached out tentatively to grip the controls.

"Make sure you keep us out of the water," Ronon quipped.

"Oh that's very encouraging." Rodney muttered under his breath as he returned his hands to his chair.

"Come on. You can't tell me you don't want to have a go." Sheppard smirked at him. "If something happens I'll take over."

"You have done this before," Teyla chimed in from the back.

Rodney was amazed at their faith in him and he again reached out to grip the controls. The map disappeared and he thought of his destination. The jumper dipped a little before he compensated for it with a thought.

"Wow." He was connected to the jumper and it felt amazing. His eyes sparkled as he concentrated on his task. A few minutes later, Sheppard laughed.

"After all this time you still can't fly in a straight line."

The map reappeared and it showed a wavy red line as their path to the mainland.

"Oh come on." He turned to Sheppard. "You've been doing this a lot longer than I have." The jumper dipped again.

"Keep your hands on the controls," Sheppard warned.

"Uh, sorry." He turned back and corrected the jumper again.

They flew for a little while longer before Sheppard started talking to him. "So, have you decided what you're going to do?"

"With the jumper?" Rodney made an are-you-an-idiot face while focussing on his task. "Fly it to where you told me."

"No. I mean whether you're going to stay."

Rodney froze. "Um, trying to concentrate here."

"Okay." Rodney sneaked a look at Sheppard's sombre face as Sheppard continued talking. "You know you can talk to us."

Pathee's words came to him. _"Do not judge them too hastily. They lost something, too_." He looked at Sheppard. Really looked at him and saw the lines of worry. He then realised he wasn't the only one who was hurting.

"You can take over now." Rodney nodded to the controls.

"Why? You're doing okay."

"Of course I am, but if you want this jumper in one piece when it lands, I think you should be the one to do it."

"Landings a piece of cake."

"Colonel, I don't remember flying. I've watched you take off and fly. Not land."

"Oh, okay." Sheppard's shoulders deflated a little before taking over. "Alright people. Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your luggage is stored in the overhead compartments. We will be landing momentarily. Thanks for flying Pegasus airways."

Rodney raised an eyebrow at the strange phrases and turned around to look at the back. Ronon shrugged, used to the oddities, and Teyla just smiled. Rodney turned back and prepared himself for the next time Sheppard was going to ask him that question.

What was he going to say?

TBC

A/N - Delays, delays, delays. Apologises work has been extremely demanding. At this point, I think I've thanked everyone for their reviews except lauren hedgehog. Cheers..


	7. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – Decisions. Decisions.

Rodney rubbed his hand after the overly firm handshake.

"It is good to see you again, Dr McKay." Halling inclined his head and looked at them all. "You will be staying for the evening meal?"

"Yes. I have brought some supplies from Atlantis and it would be good to catch up on the events that have occurred over the past few days." Teyla smiled warmly at the tall man.

"Then, come." Halling turned and walked from the clearing towards the camp. Teyla followed with Sheppard, Rodney and Ronon close behind. Each of them carried a bag from Atlantis while Teyla chatted with Halling asking about the latest harvest.

Rodney just took in the surroundings. So far every planet he'd been to was the same. Tall trees offering shelter from the wraith if they scouted about. But unlike every other planet, there was no Stargate here. It was in Atlantis. Rodney wondered about the trust Teyla's people had with the Atlanteans; in relinquishing their opportunity for a quick escape.

He was still pondering this, and a few other things, later as they sat around the fire and he watched the flames dance about the wood. Ronon dumped another load of logs next to the fire and walked over to sit next to him. He pulled out a knife, from where Rodney didn't know, and began to sharpen it.

_Shick._

Rodney's eyes narrowed, "How many of those things do you have?"

_Shick._

"Never enough when it counts."

"Oh."

Ash spiralled up with the smoke, delicately floating until it was broken apart by the wind. A woman approached and handed them each a mug. Rodney sniffed his before drinking. He coughed as it burned a trail down his throat. Definitely alcohol. Sheppard and Teyla looked at him from across the fire. He waved a hand to signal he was okay as he finished coughing.

Ronon chugged back the contents of his mug. "What do you want McKay?"

"Pardon?" What was the man doing? He'd said barely two words to him since he'd arrived on Atlantis.

"What do you want?"

Rodney looked at the man as he continued to move the stone up and down the blade. What did he want? No one had asked him that. What do you remember? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Are you in pain?

"Do you know what it's like to have nothing to gauge your life against?" Ronon didn't answer and Rodney continued, "If you are the sum of your experiences what am I? Before last year I remembered nothing. I was nothing." Rodney took another mouthful of the drink. It didn't burn this time.

_Shick._

"You don't look like nothing to me."

Rodney didn't know what Ronon wanted him to say. The man was infuriating.

_Shick._

Rodney drained the contents of his mug and raised it into the air shaking it with his hand expecting a refill. "The Kano gave me something. A family and a purpose."

The same woman walked over to them and refilled his mug. Rodney hadn't drunk alcohol for almost a year now and he felt a little buzzed. "And you want me to give that up?" Rodney's voice rose at the end and he gulped down the entire contents of his mug. He stood a little shakily and sought the jug.

_Shick._

Sheppard called from the other side of the fire. "Hey McKay, if you keep chugging back those drinks you'll end up with one hell of a hangover tomorrow."

What did they want from him? Life with the Kano was uncomplicated. Ever since he'd been here he'd been expected to remember who he was. He'd read between the lines of the mission reports they'd given him. _You're supposed to be the Doctor Rodney McKay, the super genius that fixes everything._ But this time, the thing that needed fixing was himself. He wasn't ready to take on that mantle and he clung ferociously to what he did know. The familiar. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to live up to their expectations. Merge the memories with reality.

He knew he was being a coward. "My name is Spock!" he yelled.

Everyone turned around and stared at him. He snorted. And this was why he shouldn't drink. He rubbed his hands over his face. He and alcohol weren't a good mix. It went to his head too quickly. Why did he let Ronon get to him? When he'd first started getting nightmares he'd tried to chase them away with alcohol. Pathee had set him straight.

"Alcohol only dulls the memories, but they never disappear," he murmured as he stared at the ground.

"What's that?" Rodney looked up and blinked at Sheppard's concerned face. _When did he get over here?_

"Ronon, you should have stopped him after that first drink. He's still on medication from Carson," a woman's voice admonished.

"Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick." He turned from the warmth of the fire and stumbled toward the trees. He heaved the entire contents of his stomach onto the earth. An acrid smell rose up to meet him and he started gagging.

"McKay, what are we going to do with you?"

He was handed a canteen of water and he rinsed out his mouth. He was guided away from the mess on the ground and braced against a tree.

"Kill me now," he moaned. His head throbbed with an intensity he remembered all too well and his stomach rolled.

Rough hands gripped him. "Don't you ever say that!"

He stared into Sheppard eyes again and for a moment the man's pain overwhelmed his. "Why?"

"Because I lost you once and I don't think I could handle it another time." He sagged, "I've lost too many people in my life already."

"Sheppard," Teyla's soft voice interrupted the confession and both men turned to her. "Let's move Rodney inside."

Sheppard nodded and realised this conversation was better dealt with away from prying eyes. "Up and at 'em, McKay."

Sheppard grabbed his left side and Ronon his right. They staggered towards the tent their burden uncoordinated and unhelpful.

"McKay, what are we going to do with you?" Sheppard asked quietly.

Rodney didn't reply. Sheppard's words had momentarily stunned him.

OoOoOoOo

Rodney groaned. Definitely no alcohol. Never, ever again. He turned on his side and began to raise his hand to his head only for his arm to be stopped. He tugged his arm against the resistance and a soft voice to spoke to him.

"Don't, you'll pull the IV."

The voice was to his left and Rodney twisted in the bed until he lay on his back. His eyes remained closed as he groaned.

"Carson?"

"Aye lad."

"What'ya doing?"

"Getting some fluids into you."

"Oh."

"The alcohol and the medication you're taking don't exactly mix."

"Sorry."

"Aye you should be."

"No. I'm sorry for..." Rodney sentence trailed off as he swallowed down a sob.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Carson patted him on the hand.

Rodney opened his eyes and found he was back on Atlantis. He looked at the Doctor with bloodshot eyes. "Do you know what it's like to lose your memories?"

"No."

"It's like swimming against the current." He moved his untethered hand about. "At first you try to make some headway, but eventually you get tired and go with the flow."

Carson didn't say anything and Rodney sighed, rubbing his head. "I gave up."

"No Rodney, you did the best with what you could."

Rodney ignored his comment and continued talking, before he lost his resolve. "The great Rodney McKay gave up."

Sheppard shifted from a chair, on the other side of the room, and stood behind Carson. "The Rodney McKay I know is just as human as the rest of us."

Carson gave the man laying in the bed an expectant look. "Rodney?"

"How about almost-Rodney." He chuckled then groaned, "I don't remember everything."

"You remember enough for me." Sheppard replied.

Rodney sobered and stared at the ceiling with 13,054 tiles, "I don't know how to save the galaxy Colonel, but I do remember how to destroy it."

"Rodney -" Sheppard started.

Rodney held his hand up and looked at them as if he carried all the trouble of the world. "Do you know what I have remembered over the past year?" He clenched his fists which were resting on the blanket.

Sheppard stopped and sat down in the chair next to Carson and listening to the man who was about to spill his secret.

"Destruction and death."

"That happens everywhere, lad," Carson confessed.

Rodney shook his head and closed his eyes tightly before opening them. Tears threatened to spill and Rodney breathed through his nose loudly. "But by my hands?"

Carson knew where this was going. He'd listened to Teyla talk about Pathee's concerns. About Rodney's depression and the nightmares he'd endured.

"Rodney, I won't lie to you, there are some thing's that no one should ever have to see. But you're not the only one that has had to wrestle with it. With what we've done while we have been here," Carson admitted with a hint of regret.

"With great power comes great responsibility," Sheppard blurted.

"Quoting Spiderman now, Colonel?" Carson asked, turning to the man.

"It seemed appropriate." Sheppard's nonchalant reply belied the disarray he felt. He'd done a lot of things in his life that he hadn't shared with anyone, and never would. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and spoke to the broken man. "We do what we have to Rodney. To survive."

No one challenged the response. They just sat there in silence for a few moments until a nurse walked into the room, interrupting the solemn mood. "Teyla and Ronon are waiting outside, Dr Beckett. They have come to see Dr McKay." She looked at the grim faces.

"Show them in," Carson replied. The nurse nodded and left.

"So what now?" Rodney sniffed, attempting to recompose himself.

"We try to fill in the gaps," Sheppard answered.

TBC


	8. Chapter 9

A/N – Apologises the first half of chapter 9 was left out yesterday's post. Thank you to Silverthreads for querying the transistion from the chapter 8 to chapter 9….tsk tsk naughty me.

Chapter 9 – A reunion of sorts

Rodney was wearing a uniform, pacing in Weir's office, trying to reason with her. "Elizabeth, I don't know what the problem is. I said to Pathee that I would contact her in a few days with my decision. I've already told you I was going to stay but I need to go back to the Kano, say my goodbyes and collect a few things."

All of Atlantis had pooled together to help him remember. He hadn't realised so many people were eager to assist him. But it was going to take a long time and Rodney was sure the weapons training even longer. Ronon was going to push him into an early grave. He was sure about that. But Rodney knew he'd have plenty of time, when he came back, to continue the Atlantis all-you-ever-wanted-to-know-and-some-things-you-didn't crash course.

"Rodney, I have no objection to you returning, but not without back up."

"Back up?" Rodney huffed and crossed his arms, "I can take care of myself."

"I beg to differ." Sheppard snapped as he walked into the room.

"Not you too." Rodney was exasperated. "Look, I will only be a few hours. There are just some things I want to do. Personal things that I don't need an escort for."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes. "Ah, you want to say goodbye to someone special?" He waggled his eyebrows.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Oh please, there is only one Kirk in this galaxy."

"And apparently one Spock too."

Rodney groaned. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Nope." Sheppard grinned back.

"Okay, how about I go through, alone-" he motioned for Sheppard to be quiet with his finger, using the same finesse as a school teacher, "for a couple of hours, and then you can come and pick me up."

Rodney pleaded. "The Kano have moved closer to the gate and will be leaving in a few hours."

"Then I don't know why we can't come." Sheppard argued.

Rodney looked back defeated, "I am trading one set of people for another. I just want to say goodbye without you being there. That's all."

"Oh." Sheppard realised that leaving the Kano was hard for Rodney, but he hadn't realised how hard. Sheppard was glad they'd taken good care of him but he was a little jealous. When he got back, Rodney was going to tell him all about his time with them. So far, he'd been a little reluctant.

"Please." Rodney begged.

"Let him go." Sheppard stated.

Weir sized up the two men before reluctantly agreeing.

Rodney smiled and patted Sheppard's shoulder as he left the room. "Thanks."

A short while later Rodney carried a few bags with him, more offerings from Atlantis, and walked through the blue, rippling circle. Sheppard watched as the gate disengaged with a sharp snap and counted the minutes until they would see Rodney again.

OoOoOoOoOo

Rodney dumped most of the heavy bags onto the ground. "Ooooh." He arched his spine and gripped his back. A few of the men nearby smirked and picked up fallen cargo and started off in the direction of the camp. Rodney spied Pathee talking to a few of the passing men and smiled when she saw Rodney.

She approached him and called, "Spock, it is good to see you."

Rodney started towards her carrying one bag. The grass around the gate swayed in the gentle breeze. "Thank you Pathee. And it's Rodney."

Pathee chuckled softly and stood before him. She touched her forehead to his before gazing into his blue eyes. Pathee saw a sparkle of defiance and mischief in the man's face. He walked tall, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "I am glad your memories have returned but, the name will take a little getting used to."

"That's okay. I'll know who you mean." He chuckled back and gave her a crooked smile.

They fell into step, traversing the short distance to the camp. The Kano camp was on the same location previously claimed by the Naeno. Most of the tents, equipment and animals were packed up awaiting departure. Just the fire and one large tent remained intact.

"How was the markets on Kalae?" Rodney asked pulling the bag's straps higher on his shoulder.

"Very profitable." Pathee proceeded to tell him gossip from the camp and markets.

Rodney nodded and laughed at a piece of information Pathee told him. It was like a soap opera sometimes. 'Day's of our lives' Pegasus style. Not that he's watched the soap. But one unfortunate summer he'd had to stay with a distant relative. Aunt Petunia watched it religiously and had forced Rodney to watch it too. He shuddered at the memory.

As they neared the fire he dumped his burden on the ground and sat on the log placed near the fire. Most of the Kano were gathered around the fire sharing a last meal. Laughter bubbled from a group of children playing nearby. The tribe was giving a final farewell to the planet… and him. He watched his adopted family is their full glory. He saw their smiles, generosity and patience. And he was humbled by the gift they had given him, and he'd never acknowledged. They had given him his life back.

Suddenly Rodney stood and the people turned to him. He was momentarily lost for words. He gulped, "Most of you will know I am not travelling with you to the next planet. I wanted to say thanks for putting up with me for the past year."

One of the women called out from the other side of the fire. "Spock, it was not a hardship. Well, not too much of one."

Laughter erupted from the crowd.

Flustered Rodney huffed, "Thank you for your kindness and friendship. I will miss you."

Pathee stood up. "We will miss you too." She raised her mug to the air and toasted their friendship.

oOoOoOoO

Twenty minutes later the camp was breaking up and a few of the tribe members went ahead with the supplies. As the last animal went through the remaining people gathered their gear, on their shoulders or in their arms, preparing to make their final trek to the gate. In another 30 minutes there would be no one left here Rodney thought. He had a few personal possessions in his pocket. His other trinkets, bedding and clothes were given to some other men. He had no need for them, but he kept two devices.

The wind breezed through the open space and played with their hair. Higher up the tree branches seemed to be swaying to a rhythm. Rodney supposed a storm was picking up judging by the darkening sky.

He was helping one of the children when he heard a shot and angered voices. He wound his way through the crowd to see furious tribesmen stripped of their weapons and hostage to gun toting men. Twelve grey-uniformed men surrounded the tribespeople with a deadly intent plastered on their faces. One man stood apart from the rest, surveying his accomplishment with a relaxed stance.

"You." Rodney broke through the front of the crowd and ground out furiously. "Spock. Don't." Pathee was dusting the dirt off her dress as she stood up. A few of the children hid beside their parents watching the drama unfold.

"Yes. Spock don't." The gun pointed at a tribesman, was shifted to Pathee and he gripped her arm. "I'm sorry my dear, but we have need of this man."

"You are not farmers." Pathee hissed.

"Not all of us." The man smiled. The wind whipped around moving the lapels on his jacket.

"Kolya, leave them alone." Rodney demanded.

"Ah, I see your memory has returned." Steely eyes focussed on Rodney and the man smiled. "Pity."

A single drop of water dropped to the ground unnoticed.

"What do you want?"

"For you to come with us." Seeing Rodney's hesitation Kolya continued, "I'm sure you remember what happened last time you didn't agree."

Rodney flinched, unconsciously gripping his arm. A drop of water wound its way down his cheek. "And them?"

"I have no need for them. They will be released once we go through the gate."

Rodney raised his hands to his head and murmured, "Let me think."

"Spock, you don't need to do this." Pathee insisted.

After a moment Rodney turned to Koyla. "Okay. Just let me say goodbye."

Koyla released Pathee's arm and she stumbled away from him. "Be quick." The commander sent one of his men to the gate to start dialling. Twelve men with guns faced twenty-five tribespeople and Rodney. Rodney turned away from their gaze and hunched his shoulders, hugging his chest. It looked like the man was defeated. His fate sealed.

"Pathee," he whispered. "Tell everyone to get closer. Then stand perfectly still."

Pathee looked at him quizzically but followed his command. They all surged forward in one massive group hug and held tight.

Koyla and his men surveyed the action for a few moments. "You have had your goodbye now it is time to go."

The group stood still and remained clasping onto their fellow person. Kolya became impatient and nodded for two of his men to grab the Doctor. They were a metre away when a blue haze encircled the cluster of people. One of the men turned to get instructions from his commander.

"Doctor, you are trying my patience." Koyla nodded at the man and then a few seconds later watched him sail past his shoulder as he bounced off the shield.

"Very clever." Kolya paused and circled around the circle of people. "Fire!" He yelled.

Bullets rebound off the blue barrier, back towards the shooters. Koyla watched a man spin around, catching a ricocheting bullet his shoulder. "Arrhhhh."

And then the shield rippled with a blue haze and extended by three metres. Kolya watched in curiosity as Rodney turned to face him. He stood defiant in front of his would be kidnapper before dropping to the ground on his hands and knees. The Doctor lifted his head and glared at Kolya giving him access to his chest. A small device was attached there, pulsating a bright blue.

Koyla's eyes narrowed and then all hell broke loose.

OoOoOoO

The sky was still dark but had not released its burden of water. Rodney was glad that the weather was on his side. He let his chin rest on his chest and he looked at the blue light. The device was similar to the personal shield except for one thing. The power source. This time there was definitely more than just a mental component to it. It was powered entirely by the mind. It hadn't worked before because it had been missing a few parts. Namely a couple of crystals, which he had conveniently acquired from one of the labs on Atlantis.

Rodney was tired from the strain of maintaining the shield and had a flashback to a year ago. Lying in the pod and using his infamous brain to resolve another problem. He didn't want to think of that now. He wanted to berate the Genii. Tell them what he thought of their kidnapping plan. He knew that the Genii were cunning but their attempt to acquire him was pointless if they were looking for Spock. He might have a few lingering gaps in his memory still but he certainly remembered enough. Taking a few of the people hostage was supposed to make him comply? Sadly there was no gun toting Sheppard about. He glanced at his watch. Well, not for another hour or so. Just him and the barrier he was sustaining.

"Amish farmers my ass," he muttered under his breath as he concentrated on the shield. He'd watched, with a sense of satisfaction, as Kolya and his crew had attempted to breach the shield. The more force they used the redder Kolya's face became. The man was livid. Rodney smirked at the man despite the dire circumstances.

_Perfect. You're not going to get anyone on my watch. Your weapons are no match for me._

At a stalemate the Genii stared angrily at the tribe. The protected people glared back, defiant in their predicament. They remained that way for a short while until a familiar whine penetrated the silence.

_Oh great. Who sent out the invitations? Rodney's back. Let's party and have fun, fun, fun. _

They watched as the mighty Genii dropped their hostage taking act and high tailed it out of there, leaving him and the tribe to fend for themselves. Before Kolya left, he gave them a defiant stare.

_As if I invited them. One lot of gatecrashers was more than enough. _

Pathee clasped onto his shoulder and looked at him worriedly. "Wraith."

Rodney nodded and looked back at the scared people he was safeguarding. "I don't know how long this shield will hold."

Rodney looked at the distance between them and freedom and swallowed down the acrid taste in his mouth. Protecting the tribe from the Genii was one thing but the Wraith were something entirely different. He'd come back to say goodbye to his friends and now it looked like it would be one final farewell.

_No! It wasn't going to end this way._

He stood tall and squared his shoulders, steeling himself for the task ahead.

OoOoOoOo

Rodney watched as the wraith beam attempt to penetrate the shield again. It was severed and the shield shimmered leaving a blue haze in its wake. Rodney knew that they were protected as long as they stayed inside the bubble but they were a little way off from the gate and there was no way they could get without the shield. _What now genius? How are we going to get out of this? _His thoughts swirled and suddenly it came to him. He clicked his fingers. "Listen up people. We're going to walk to the gate." He explained his plan in a hurried splurge of words. "No one move outside the shield and we'll be okay. Just follow me."

Rodney extended the bubble out another five meters so they had some moving room, and he led the tribe towards the Stargate. It was slow going as they made their way. The wraith weren't too impressed or bright as they tried to block their attempts at reaching the gate. It was funny how far a drone could bounce when it attempted to breach the shield. But for every action there was an equal and opposite reaction. For the Wraith and him. He winced as the pain in his head became known again.

Each attack on the shield sent spikes through his head and down his spine. He focussed all his energy on the shield and then braced himself against the pain as another drone slammed into the barrier. Rodney thought it a pity the drone's face was covered up as he would have liked to see the expression on its face as it slammed into the ground. He sobered and wondered about the outcome of this action.

He felt the strain from the shield and their approach to the gate slowed as he plodded along one foot in front of the other. Pathee and another tribesman walked next to him. Shoulder to shoulder. The rest of the Kano were left clinging to each other in support, ensuring no was left behind.

All too soon, but not quickly enough for Rodney, they reached the gate. The only problem was that there were a few wraith in the way and bouncing them off the shield one at a time was getting a little tedious as well as excruciating. If he was going to move them out of the way it would have to be all at once. He squinted and looked back at the people inside the barrier, the one's who were depending on him, and then at the wraith wall. He whispered and Pathee strained to hear his voice. "I am going to extend the shield to cover the stargate and the DHD. You must dial out quickly."

"Can you cover all of that area?" Pathee looked at him in disbelief. The shield already covered a fifteen meter radius and from their distance from the DHD and gate he would need to encompass another five. It seemed a little too much but by the determined set to Rodney's face she knew they had no choice. "How long?"

"Minutes? I don't know. Just be quick."

"And what of you?"

"I'll follow you."

Pathee nodded reluctantly at the lie, and Rodney focussed. Pathee left his side to tell the others what was happening.

As the Wraith were pushed back, and they gained access to the DHD, the gate started to light up.

_No no no no._ _Atlantis wasn't due to contact them for another half hour. No one was supposed to dial in now.It wasn't in his plan._

Rodney didn't think he would be able to hold the barricade for another five minutes let alone thirty-eight. He panicked, and for the first time in his life he prayed the gate wouldn't stay open for long.

The wraith pounded on the shield and he heard whimpers. "Pathee," he hissed. She wound her way back through her people until she was by his side. "When the gate shuts down, dial out." He clenched his teeth. "Immediately." She nodded and made her way to the DHD.

Rodney shuddered as the gate erupted and he saw an invisible object ripple through the event horizon. Atlantis. He felt the energy of the gate and cried out when it was snapped off. He trained his thoughts on the task at hand, he knew whoever was in the jumper could look after themselves. Under his breath, kneeling on the ground, he chanted. "Dial Pathee. Dial Pathee. Dial Pathee."

An explosion of noise and light rain flared up behind them but was Rodney was too focussed on his present task to notice.

Once more Rodney recoiled from the gate's emerging event horizon and leant over, propping himself up on his hands and knees. He looked up at the concerned faces peering down at him. With a burst of energy he yelled, "What are you waiting for? Go!" He stood slowly and waved his arms about. "Go!"

Frozen people suddenly scrambled towards the preferred exit. As they ran past, hands brushed by him as a final farewell. Rodney watched them be enveloped by the blue surface until only he and Pathee remained. He shuffled walked forward, as the shield diminished behind him, and leant on the DHD. His task was almost complete.

Debris pelted the shield as the Wraith and Atlanteans fought in the background.

"Rodney, they are through."

Rodney slowly straightened himself up, the effort was almost too much, and smiled wistfully at Pathee. "You go too."

Pathee stare at him in disbelief.

"I'll be okay. I promise." He implored to her.

Pathee surveyed the damage behind Rodney and approached him, looking into his blue eyes. "We will meet again, Rodney." She touched her forehead to his. "Farewell friend."

Rodney waved her through the gate standing tall. Pathee turned and smiled at him one last time. As soon as she was out of sight he dropped to the ground and closed his eyes. The gate shut down and the bright light winked out of existence.

It was done. He was done.

He couldn't follow through with his instinct to run away. As his awareness of his surroundings dulled Rodney tried to stay upright with the support of the DHD. He hoped Sheppard and the others were not too far away he wasn't going to be able to remain awake for much longer. The device's blue light dimmed and pain spiked through his head. Rodney slumped onto the ground and his remaining thoughts were of trust. He knew, without a doubt, that the occupants of the jumper would save him. His head rested on the cold ground. It was all he had left. Trust and faith.

The blue shield slowly retreated from the gate, until it shimmered over the body of the unconscious man lying on the ground. As the blue haze of the shield faded, a few wraith approached until they were standing over their prey.

TBC

Top of Form


	9. Chapter 10

A/N: Apologises. Real life has held me hostage for the past month and I have escaped to post this. Without further ado here is the first half of chapter 10…

Chapter 10 – The means to an end

Zelenka and Chuck were working on a control panel not far away from the pacing colonel. He'd been in the control looking over everyone's shoulder while glancing at the gate. Every so often he would look at his watch.

Dr Weir had been watching him from her office and strode over. She placed her hand on Sheppard's shoulder in an effort to calm his nervous energy. It was affecting everyone. Rodney still had some time left, before being picked up by a jumper, but at the rate the colonel was fidgeting he was going to be back sooner than that. She liked the idea of Rodney coming home, but she knew he also needed some space to say goodbye. Carson had spent some times talking to her about Rodney's progress, and Kate had added that for closure Rodney needed to go back and see the Kano. As reluctant as she had been, Sheppard had convinced her that letting Rodney go alone was an acceptable option. The pacing somewhat negated that choice. "John," she removed her hand from his shoulder. "It won't be long before he's back."

Sheppard stood stiffly as if knowing he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have. "I know, but we should pay him an early visit."

Elizabeth looked at him with raised eyebrows. John knew he was being irrational but he wanted to go. He didn't want to wait another ten minutes, let alone an hour. He had an unsettling, unexplainable feeling that they needed to go see Rodney. A feeling that had been building over the last few minutes.

He relaxed and turned on the charm. "A personal visit is needed." Smiling at Elizabeth he explained his reasoning. "We should visit the Kano and thank them for keeping Rodney safe."

"John, you agreed to let him say his farewells alone. He still has an hour to go."

He smirked. "The worst he can do is yell at me."

Elizabeth stared at him for a moment. Sheppard's face dropped as he realised she wasn't going to be won over easily so he compromised. "Let's just call him and say we're coming early." He didn't want to beg, but she saw the desperation in his face and turned to the technician.

"Dial the planet."

The wormhole engaged and the blue surface sparkled and reflected in the control room. Elizabeth studied the colonel who was eagerly awaiting his invite to the planet. Why had she done that? She shouldn't have folded, but Sheppard was wound tighter than a coil. She wondered whether she'd done it to make him or herself feel better.

"Ma'am, I'm getting Wraith signals."

"What?" Sheppard was stricken. He swallowed his fear as he swung around to look at Elizabeth.

"Are there any other signals?" she asked, her stomach churning. Rodney had been carrying a radio when he left. This couldn't happen now. Elizabeth flashed back to a year ago. Rodney missing, and her military commander closing himself off to everyone. They couldn't lose Rodney so soon after finding him.

"No." The technician looked grim. Zelenka and Chuck walked over to them listening to the unfolding events. Zelenka typed onto a nearby datapad; his frowning face confirmed the worst.

Weir turned to Sheppard. "Get a team together. Take a jumper."

Sheppard touched his ear piece, his trained kicked in to mask the worry he was feeling. "Ronon. Teyla. We're going to get Rodney. The Wraith are on the planet."

"We'll be there shortly."

Sheppard turned around and looked into the concerned faces of his fellow expedition members. He turned to his team mate, "Zelenka. Gear up."

ooooooo

The cloaked jumper slid peacefully from the gate into the chaos. They were here to find Rodney. "You have got to be kidding me. Zelenka, get up here." The jumper dipped as Zelenka stumbled his way up to the front. He peered out the window as Sheppard spoke. "Sorry about that."

A dart weaved around the sky heading towards the tree line. It moved further away from them, and Sheppard was reluctant to follow it until they could assess the situation. Sheppard tightened his grip on the controls. "Crap."

Zelenka plugged in his datapad and took in the scene before them. Five Wraiths surrounded a group of people with their weapons raised. It was a standoff. Ronon and Teyla moved to stand behind Zelenka. "What's that?" Ronon nodded as they watched a Wraith bounce off the barrier and land on the ground a few feet away.

"A shield," Zelenka muttered under his breath.

Sheppard had been watching the sky and tilted the jumper to the left to avoid the returning dart. He refused to believe Rodney was lying on the ground sucked dry but they couldn't get too close to the ground to see what was happening. He firmly believed Rodney was responsible for the shield and was inside it.

"The shield signature is similar to the one used by Rodney with the energy beast." Zelenka stated as he searched through the database.

Teyla frowned. "Didn't that one run out of power?"

"Yes." The scientist replied.

"Why hasn't this one run out of power?" Sheppard asked.

The scientist typed furiously. "I don't know what's powering it. It's fluctuating and oh…the shield's expanding." Zelenka looked up from his datapad.

They watched the blue bubble encircling the people ripple outwards pushing the wraith away. It kept going until it encompassed the gate. The dart circled the bubble and then it whined past the jumper. A beam skimmed the ground leaving five more Wraith who began advancing towards the shield.

They couldn't have anymore wraith down there. Sheppard took control. "Hold on." They followed the dart as it dipped and flitted around the darkening sky.

"Will the shield hold if we try to shoot down the dart with a drone?"

"I don't know. Wait -" Zelenka's fingers flew over the keyboards and his face began to look worried, "The gate's dialling."

"In or out?" Sheppard asked.

"Out." Teyla spied someone using the DHD. She gripped the back of the chair and leaned forward to get a better view.

Sheppard waited until the dart was far enough away from the group of people before he fired. The drone hit its target immediately and a shower of debris scattered all over the ground. One dart down, ground wraith to go. Sheppard fired into the group of recently deposited wraith who were looking to the sky for their invisible foe. The ground lit up and dirt rained down on the shield. They watched the wraith around the shield turned their attention to the sky. Even though the jumper was cloaked, the wraith were firing randomly into the sky and now it was their turn to dodge and weave from the weapon's fire. Sheppard brought up the display. There were no other darts in sensor range only the wraith around the shield. It must have just been a scouting mission. Thank goodness for small favours.

Teyla released her hold on the chair as she watched the unfolding events with bated breath. They were all playing their parts, Sheppard flying, Zelenka looking at the technology, and Ronon and her waiting. Biding their time. She saw the gate engage and the people in the shield run towards their exit until two persons were left. Suddenly the shield began to shrink, until only the DHD and gate were encompassed.

"Can you get closer?" Ronon asked.

Sheppard approached until he was hovering ten metres away. From this vantage point Ronon could clearly see it was Pathee and Rodney. The astrophysicist was pale; his face looked eerie from the glow of the blue shield. There were dark rings under his eyes. He didn't look like the healthy – or as healthy as Rodney could get – man that had left Atlantis a few hours ago. "What's that on him?" A small blue light was emanating from his chest.

"It's the shield." Zelenka tapped a few keys.

They watched Rodney wave, the minute gesture was taking a toll on him. Pathee mouthed something to him and hesitated before walking through the gate. The gate shut down and they all saw the effect this had on Rodney. His body recoiled and he teetered before dropping to his knees. Rodney shut his eyes as he slumped next to the DHD.

Sheppard glanced at Rodney while keeping an eye on the wraith who were searching for them in the sky. They couldn't stay in this position forever. The wraith would find them and they needed to get Rodney. Now.

Zelenka stopped typing furiously, "Colonel, we need to land and get Rodney. The shield. It's failing."

Everything sped up; Zelenka talking rapidly, the shield covering Rodney wavering, the wraith advancing on the unconscious man and the whine of Ronon's weapon charging.

Teyla laid her hand on Sheppard's shoulder. "We will get him."

Sheppard made to stand up, but Ronon stopped him. "We need you to fly. We'll be quick." Ronon and Teyla nodded to the men seated. Sheppard knew the plan was a logical one but that didn't stop him from wanting to go. _Stop hogging all the glory, flyboy. Let them do their job and you do yours._ He deferred to the little Rodney voice in his head and negotiated the jumper to the ground. He opened the back door and Teyla and Ronon leapt out.

Sheppard's heart was pounding in his chest as he turned to Zelenka, "Are they able to touch him?"

Zelenka paused and lifted his head from the computer screen before looking out the front window. "They will now. Rodney is no longer protected." Both men watched the red blasts and metal projectiles make a deadly path to Rodney. Three wraith stood over an obviously pliant meal. Teyla and Ronon were almost there.

"Colonel, should we not start dialling out?" Radek unplugged his datapad and moved to the back of the jumper as the colonel dialled Atlantis. Radek pulled out a med kit and his handgun and waited. All too soon, Ronon and Teyla were back and they laid their prize gently on the jumper floor.

Sheppard surveyed the carnage around the gate as he pressed the symbols that would lead them home. Wraith bodies littered the ground and huge gaping holes punctured the landscape. The wraith were dead, the Kano were gone, and they had Rodney back. The chaos had ended and now they had to get Rodney back to Atlantis.

Sheppard touched his earpiece, "Elizabeth, we have Rodney. Have a medical team waiting for us." Weir acknowledged his request as they rose into the air. Sheppard stole a quick look at the back of the jumper and saw Teyla placing an emergency blanket over Rodney. Zelenka was holding the depleted device in his hands.

Sheppard muttered under his breath, "We're going home, Rodney."

As they left through the gate, the heavens rained down hard mixing the blood and disturbed earth into a muddy mess.

TBC


	10. Rest of chapter 10

A/N: Thanks to Tazmy, Marie and Briana for their support and beta's at varying stages of this story. Hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have writing it. Cheers.

Rest of chapter 10

Ronon had heard tales of Rodney's heroism before and since he'd come to Atlantis, and the longer he'd known him the more he'd begun to understand the man. The prickly exterior and scathing words were a wall - something the man had built up around himself. Only a select few were allowed to see behind the wall. Ronon was unsure whether the barrier was just stubbornness or a carefully constructed barrier created since childhood. Ronon enjoyed baiting him and seeing the man underneath.

Finding him again had been a cause for celebration and sadness; he'd not been the man they once knew, having forgotten them and his life. Ronon had seen this happen before. He'd wanted to help with McKay, but history had interfered. The last time he'd participated in helping someone to remember it hadn't turned out well. He had the scars as a reminder. But he knew these people had hidden strengths, and by the fireside he'd provoked Rodney, the mantra of "never leave a man behind" echoed in his mind. He hadn't wanted McKay left behind.

It had been turning out well, but as the Pegasus galaxy goes Ronon knew it had been too good to be true. Once again Rodney was lying in the infirmary, and they were keeping a bedside vigil. Sheppard was sitting in an uncomfortable chair watching the gentle rise and fall of Rodney's chest, while Ronon was standing a little further away watching them.

"Dammit."

"Colonel?" Carson stopped fussing with Rodney's IV and turned to the exasperated man. Sheppard was staring at Rodney with pained eyes. His hair was still damp as he'd showered after the debrief before coming to the infirmary.

"Does this galaxy have it out for us?"

"We've all had our share of troubles, Colonel." Carson rounded the bed to sit next to Sheppard. "His brain hasn't had a good time of it. Between the complex and this, it's a wonder he's functioning at all. To make matters worse he remembered things when he came back from the complex. Memories that weren't his. I know he never told anyone about it or I would have had the man in here in a heartbeat. So I have to ask myself why?" Carson paused. He knew Rodney's disappearance had affected Sheppard hardest but he wasn't sure of the reason. "You know what I think? His mind was invaded. Plain and simple. He would have been a little scrambled with all those memories: feelings and notions that weren't his own." Carson looked at the still man lying on the infirmary bed. "Rodney knew a similar thing had happened at the SGC, but fortunately for Dr Jackson, they were able to extract the memories as they had access to the device that had performed the deed. Unfortunately for Rodney, he knew the complex and his own memory transfer device had been destroyed." Carson let that sink in before continuing, "I don't know why I wasn't able to pick this up on any of the scans I ran on him, but Rodney must have found a way or been trying to find a way to help himself. Maybe he didn't say anything because he knew he wasn't able to fix it. The part of his body _he_ thinks is the most important to us."

"He was hiding away." Ronon added.

"Must have thought he'd be shipped back to the SGC." Sheppard wiped a hand over his face. "I knew there was something wrong with him, but I did nothing. Thought he'd snap out of it, and then, during that last mission, he froze. I yelled at him and he disappeared." He snorted and looked at Rodney lying prone on the bed, "Just as well he's not awake; he'd say I sound like a girl."

"No, you sound like a friend," Carson declared. "One he's going to need to get through this. You know what Teyla told me?"

Sheppard looked at him. They'd already had this conversation hadn't they?

Carson sat next to the bed and his shoulders hunched. "She told me that Rodney thought he was a murderer."

Sheppard frowned. "Murderer? Why the hell would he think that?"

"All he remembered were bits and pieces and what they painted weren't pretty. Knowing Rodney he filled in the missing pieces and jumped to the wrong conclusions. From his angle he thought he was responsible for some fairly heinous crimes." Carson reached over to the bed and patted Rodney's still hand and shook his head slightly. "He didn't want to be fixed because he was afraid that his memories were true. He was trying to start over."

Ronon walked closer to the men and stood at the end of Rodney's bed. "The 'sum of our experiences' is what he said by the fire."

Sheppard looked at Rodney astounded. "So that was what he meant by giving up. He didn't push to remember because he would then have to reconcile his memories." Sheppard hadn't thought that the man who mouthed off to Koyla would back down that easily. The machines in the infirmary beeped and hissed while Sheppard leaned back in his chair. "How long before he wakes up?" He and Rodney were going to have that talk and there was no way it was going to be put off this time.

"Everything looks good. I'd say in the next twelve hours. I want him to get as much rest as possible." Carson stood up. "You both need to get some rest."

"No, we'll stay." Sheppard looked determined and Ronon nodded.

"I'll have to insist. There are other patients in here and you need your rest too. He's safe here. I'll get the staff to page me if he wakes up."

"You're not staying?" Sheppard asked.

"No. I have to get some sleep before Rodney starts berating my lineage and certain animals."

Sheppard chuckled and tried to cover it up with a not-so-subtle cough.

"Now off with you." Carson made shooing motions with his hands.

Sheppard stood up and started to walk away but stopped when Ronon remained by the bed. "Hey buddy, time to go."

Ronon took one last look at Rodney before joining Sheppard and walking out the infirmary doors. He had a word on his mind. Tomorrow.

OoOoOoO

Teyla waited beside Rodney's bed. Even though it was quite early in the morning she'd been there for over an hour. She was an early riser and she felt this day was going to be a turning point. For them all. The past was going to be laid to rest. John and Ronon had come to see her to talk about Rodney. They had discussed the past year and what Rodney had told her. They had developed, what John called, a game plan. Sheppard and Ronon had yet to appear but until then Teyla was there watching over Rodney.

While she waited for him to wake, she replayed the few conversations she'd had with Pathee. The demons that had been tormenting her friend and the tales of their travels.

Pathee had contacted the Alpha site not long ago, to find out any information about Rodney. She'd been relieved to know that he was on Atlantis and had told them what Rodney had done. She'd also left a forwarding address if Rodney wished to contact them. Teyla marvelled at Rodney's strength. Radek had told them what the device was when they'd first come back and Carson had added what toll it had taken on Rodney physically. Teyla had not doubt that Rodney would recover. He had overcome a lot in the past year but she hoped he would talk to them about it. Allow them to help him heal. The plan would only work if Rodney wanted it.

She let her thoughts drift and returned to the magazine she had borrowed from one of the marines.

OoOoOoOo

Rodney had been drifting. He supposed it had been ten minutes since he'd woken up and he was absorbing the sounds and smells; squeaking shoes walking on the smooth floor and the smell of the antiseptic and feel of the crisp sheets. His mind was clear and the clarity of his thoughts…_his_ thoughts made him feel like he'd won the lottery even though the odds of winning the lottery were miniscule. He was getting off track. What he was most happy with was that he remembered. That device must have triggered something, he was sure Carson could voodoo explain it, and he felt like him. Dr Meredith Rodney McKay the chief science officer on Atlantis. All the memories from the past year floated in his mind, swirling about until the pieces slotted into place. He remembered his time in the complex, the extra memories, a blonde haired woman, Damon, his last mission with Sheppard, Pathee, the nightmares, Kolya, the wraith, coming back, the devices…he was relieved. He was the genius of two galaxies and damned happy to remember. Letting out a soft breath he opened his eyes and attempted to focus on his surroundings. Flashing lights, white sheets and bright lamps assaulted him. The harshness forced him to close his eyes.

The eye action had not gone unnoticed by Teyla who placed her hand on his arm. "Rodney," she spoke softly.

Rodney opened his eyes again and looked to the speaker. "Hi." He coughed slightly and Teyla offered him water. Rodney lifted his head and drank greedily. He hadn't realised how thirsty he was until now. "Thanks." He lowered his head back to the soft pillow.

"You are welcome. How are you feeling?" Teyla enquired. She placed the cup of water back on the nearby table.

"Better than I have been in a long while." He admitted and smiled crookedly. Attempting to sit up his stiff bodily protested. Teyla saw his struggle and pressed the bed control to allow Rodney a better angle. "Thanks again."

Now that he was more comfortable Rodney noticed the absence of a few individuals. Teyla did not miss his wandering eyes, "The others are sleeping. I have come to keep you company and to talk to you before the others arrive."

Rodney shifted uncomfortably on the mattress. "I-"

"No. Please listen." Teyla interrupted and looked at him seriously.

Rodney acquiesced and slowly shifted onto his side so he could face her.

"Pathee and I talked about you." At Rodney's narrowing eyes she continued, "Please do not take it as an intrusion into your life but as a friend trying to understand what has happened. I know there are some things that cannot be shared but there are some things that should. You are a good person Rodney and no matter what ever happens, remember that."

Rodney frowned, "Don't you want to know?"

"Know what?"

"Why." Rodney knew he'd pulled back from them after the complex. The memories left over from the complex had frightened him. Yes, he Rodney McKay had been frightened he had been fighting a losing battle. The one thing depended upon in Atlantis was going to get them killed. He'd been unable to function at times when the experiences had overwhelmed him. He'd drift off into another person's experience. It had first begun slowly and he had been able to fool them for a while but he'd known it would have been only a matter of time before it exploded in his face. But a little voice in his head spurred him to keep on going. He had a legacy to fulfil. A city to save. He couldn't let them down. He'd spent hours searching the databases on Atlantis for a glimmer of hope. After that last mission he'd been going to come clean, legacy be damned, but then the decision had been taken out of his hands.

Teyla shook her head. "It is in the past and this experience will make you stronger."

"That's the thing. I should be able to fix everything and I feel I've let you guys down."

Teyla stood up from the chair and leaned over the bed. Rodney struggled to sit up and Teyla put her hand on his arm. "Rodney, we are your friends and you have not disappointed us. We are glad you are back."

Rodney smiled slightly but was overwhelmed by the gesture. She may not want to know but the others surely would. Elizabeth and Sheppard would have a fit. He should have told them. Trusted them to help but a little voice had told him to wait. He had a job to do and he couldn't go back to Earth. Trying to change the subject he asked what magazine Teyla was reading.

Teyla grabbed the magazine from the nearby table and lifted the cover for Rodney to see.

"Who gave you that…that…" He whirled a hand in disgust.

"A friend." Teyla smiled wistfully.

Rodney couldn't believe the junk people brought with them. The headline glared at him. "Aliens helped me have Elvis' baby."

oOoOoO

Sheppard strode through the infirmary. He was feeling good.

"…but I feel okay Caaaa-rson."

The doctor looked exasperated. "Ah, good you're here Colonel. You can take him off my hands."

"Are you annoying the nice doctor Rodney?"

"Nice? He hasn't stopped poking and prodding me. I think sheep get better care in this place."

Sheppard smiled on the inside as he didn't want to incur the wraith of the Scot. Carson glared at the soon to be released patient and waved his hands in the air. "He's all yours," and strode off muttering.

"You know he's going to find the biggest needle for your next visit."

"As if he hasn't sucked me dry already. I'm a pin cushion." Rodney stood by the bed, smoothed down the creases in his scrubs and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't bring any clothes with you."

"No. I gave them to Carson a wee while ago."

"Oh." Rodney realised the folly of his baiting and scratched his arm. He leaned against the bed a little lost, his outburst finished. "You don't think you could…"

"Sure. Just be a moment." Sheppard walked towards Carson's office and poked his head in the door. "Hey doc. Can I get Rodney's clothes?"

"The blighter is in true form. Not sure if I should hold them to ransom."

Sheppard couldn't help but chuckle. "I know you missed it."

A smile tugged at the corners of Carson mouth. "Never let him know that though. Ask Julie for them." The doctor turned to the mountainous paperwork on his desk.

Sheppard lingered watching the man for a moment. "You did good Carson. We got him back."

Carson sighed and lifted his head up to look at the colonel, "A second chance for all."

Sheppard wasn't sure how to answer that. They were all lucky to have the opportunity. "We'll get out of your hair." He found Julie and asked for Rodney's clothes. When he got back the man was still by the bed looking at his slightly tanned arm. "Twelve months ago I could tell you how many hours I had been exposed to the deadly rays of the sun." He stared at Sheppard. "I don't know now. It's incalculable – well I could probably calculate it to a certain degree…" Rodney drifted in his thoughts before collecting himself. "Argh. There is so much that I have missed."

Sheppard was prevented from replying as Julie returned with a bundle of clothes. As Rodney went to the bathroom to put on his clothes, Sheppard noted the changes in Rodney. Changes wrought from the last year. He'd lost a little weight and there was the permanent reminder of this adventure: the scar on his forehead. But for all the subtle differences he was here in one piece. A testament to the sheer determination and stubbornness of the man.

Rodney appeared from the bathroom wearing a dark t-shirt and trousers. He'd riled Carson so he could leave but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do now. They'd survived without him for a year.

Sheppard nodded towards the exit. "Let's go."

As they walked towards the infirmary doors Rodney's stomach grumbled. "I'm looking forward to real food. No tava beans or mystery meat. Maybe an MRE."

Sheppard chuckled, "There's the Rodney I know."

OoOoOo

"Why am I here?" Sweat dribbled down Rodney's neck and wound its way down his back. He moved back away from the threat.

THWACK.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Rodney rubbed his red hand. "Ouch! Are you trying to put me back into the infirmary?"

"No." Ronon held the sticks in front of him in a fighting stance. "Again."

Rodney dropped the fighting sticks on the floor and raised his hands in surrender. "We have been doing this for half an hour and I don't think I got any better at this while I was away."

"Oh come on McKay. Pathee told us you practiced with the Kano." Sheppard countered walking into the room.

Red-faced Rodney walked over to the water bottle that was resting on the bench near by. Ronon nodded at Sheppard then twirled his sticks waiting for Rodney to come back.

After taking a swig, Rodney wiped the sweat off his face with a towel, "Did she tell you that they kicked my ass too?"

"Uh, no." Dropping his bag onto the bench beside him, Sheppard took out his own sticks.

Rodney spluttered, "If I can't beat He-man there, what makes you think that I could beat you too." He sat on the bench in defeat.

Sheppard gave the sticks and experimental twirl. "I was hoping that I would have a better chance today if you wore him out first."

"Fat chance. I was built for brains not brawn. That's your job."

"Never hurts to practice."

"Okay, show me how it's done then." Rodney smirked and took another swig of water from the bottle.

Sheppard strode into the middle of the floor. He faced Ronon and as soon as he had raised the sticks the battle began. Ronon and Sheppard danced about the floor, the sticks and extension of their bodies. Ronon didn't go easy on Sheppard, unlike he had with himself. Sheppard got in a few good hits but Ronon had the upper hand with his sheer strength. It wasn't that Sheppard was lazy with his moves but Ronon was deceptively fast. But there was something different about Sheppard's movements. They were purposeful and focussed. He was more focussed than he could remember, zoning out his environment. Sheppard was fighting as if his life depended on it.

Rodney was so engrossed in the two men fighting that he missed Teyla's entrance until she sat next to him.

"He's been like this for over a year. Ronon stops before it goes too far."

Rodney had thought Sheppard was showing off his skills. But now, as he studied him, he saw the determination in his face. The same deadly resolve he saw when the Genii invaded Atlantis a few years ago. The sticks clashed and the sound echoed in the room.

"Why?"

"Sheppard blamed himself for your disappearance. That we left you behind."

"That ridiculous." He winced as Sheppard dropped to his knees, hard, to block a shot.

Teyla watched the Sheppard roll to the side to avoid Ronon's next attack. "He insisted you were still out there but resources were stretched and we were unable to keep searching for you. John did not agree on listing you missing in action. It caused much tension between Elizabeth and himself."

Rodney was silent. He didn't realise how many ripples his disappearance had caused.

"So what's next?"

"Next?"

"I'm not much for the girly talking thing but I don't think I can sit here and watch Sheppard getting beaten to death."

Ronon lunged at Sheppard pushing him to the ground. THWACK. Rodney stood up and yelled. "If you two numbskulls are finished…." They turned to look at him, "Teyla wants a turn."

Rodney collected his things quickly and looked at Teyla. "Sorry I can't do this." He walked out into the hallway and headed off to his room, for a shower and to collect his thoughts. He only made if a short distance before a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Where are you going?" A small trail of blood was winding a path down Sheppard's face.

"What were you trying to prove in there? That you're a military grunt?"

"Just practicing."

Rodney was fuming. The nonchalant attitude was grating. "Please. Ronon was beating the crap out of you. And you should really try to preserve what brain cells you have left."

"What crawled up your butt and died?"

"I don't know. I suppose maybe I've a bad year. Had memories downloaded into my brain that almost made me feel like I was going crazy. If I hadn't disappeared I would have probably killed someone. How about you?" Rodney crossed his arms and stood defensively.

Well two could play at that game and Sheppard countered. "My friend disappeared because he didn't trust me."

Rodney was somewhat hurt at that comment. "Oh, 'course I trust you."

"You do? Then why didn't you come to me for help? Why didn't you tell anyone?" Sheppard's voice increased until he was shouting at the end. Pent up feelings from the past year bubbled to the surface.

"I couldn't." Rodney was quiet. Too quiet. He didn't look Sheppard in the eyes and turned away. "There was nothing you could do."

Sheppard put his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "We would have tried."

Somewhat resigned, Rodney nodded. "I know you would have."

"So what was the problem then?"

"I can't explain it. But something was holding me back."

"One of the memories?"

Rodney shrugged. "Sometimes I didn't feel in control. Sometimes I blacked out."

Sheppard hadn't realised it was that bad. What the hell had happened in that complex? "And now?"

"That feelings gone and Carson's given me a clean bill of health." Rodney tapped his head. "No more boarders left."

"It's amazing they were able to fit at all with all the information in that head."

Silence filled the hallway and the men stood awkwardly in the lull. Rodney broke the peace. "Everything okay with you?"

Sheppard grinned. "Never better."

"Right." He looked the man up and down. Sheppard's head had stopped bleeding but the knuckles on his hand were a bit raw. "You stop getting beaten up by Ronon on a daily basis and I will tell you a few things I learned while with the Kano. Deal?"

Before Sheppard could reply Ronon popped his head around the corner of the door. "You guys finished yet?"

This hadn't been part of the plan but the outcome was just the same. They'd cleared the air. "Yeah."

Rodney wasn't sure if the answer was for him or Ronon, or both But he took it for a sign that they were okay. "Come on. Lets go see Carson before you bleed to death."

OoOoO

Rodney stood at the threshold of his room. He'd been here for the past ten minutes contemplating the walk through the hallways to see the others. He was wearing a science uniform. When he'd put it on it felt right - he felt right. He wondered if he should change to something more casual when his earpiece chirped.

"McKay. Haul ass we're waiting for you."

This was going to be their first team night together. Zelenka told him he'd had enough of going off world and now Rodney was back he could get some real work done. They'd had the hand over and after looking through the project work performed while he'd been gone, he'd surprised Radek by telling him that he'd done a good job. That Atlantis had been in very capable hands. Radek had been flabbergasted for a moment before telling him that it was the last time he was going to cover for him and performance reviews were due in two weeks. Rodney chuckled and touched his earpiece.

"Yes, yes on my way. No need to get your knickers in a twist." Rodney swiped his hand over the door panel and he stepped out to into the hallway. A few moments later he was at Sheppard's room. The door opened and three faces smiled at him. Well, Ronon sort of smiled and Sheppard smirked. He strode over to the group and sat on the bed; the floor would make his backache. Rodney was wedged between Sheppard and Teyla. Ronon was on a chair near the wall. Sheppard passed over a DVD case and Ronon leaned forward to pop in the disc into the computer. It was movie night and it was Sheppard's choice.

As the movie started Rodney groaned. "Where did you get this?"

"From Zelenka." Sheppard's smile widened as Ronon and Teyla were slowly clued into the joke.

"So is this where Spock comes from?" Ronon enquired.

"As if the title didn't give you a clue. Star Trek III - The Search for Spock."

Sheppard grinned. "Thought it seemed appropriate."

"Oh har har Colonel."

Rodney leaned back and made himself comfortable. He glanced at the others for a moment and smiled. He was home and that was where he was going to stay.


End file.
